Snack time

I know…we talk about food a lot on this blog.

Hey, just cuz I had gastric don’t mean I don’t still love food.

Anyways…I want to talk to you about snacks. Before gastric, I was definitely a grazer. I would eat breakfast…then a snack…another snack…then lunch…then another snack and another…and so on. Non of my meals were all that big, but by constantly grazing, I was able to pack on the calories without realizing what was happening. Okay…that’s only part of the issue, but it’s the part we are talking about now.

Just because I now have a schedule does not meant that I have given up snacking. It just means in all honestly…those snacks are now meals. All my gastric bypassers will understand that statement…even my lap band peeps will get it.

With that said, there are some snacks that I must have…at all times. I can’t explain, but I can almost never get tired of them.

#1 - cheese

#2 - nuts

#3 – pretzels

#4 – hummus

Those are, hands down, my favorite snacks that I can turn to all the time.

What are your favorite snacks?

Where I’m from

When talking about food and our relationship with it, we can not leave out our history, or where we started.

While I was born and spent most of my life in Germany, My family is from the south. Mother is from SC, daddy is from WV by way of VA and other members are from various other southern states.

What does this mean?

Well, for the most part, it means we love food. Food is an integral part of our lives. From weddings, to funerals, to family gatherings…food is important. Almost as important as the event itself. recipes are handed down from family member to family member, sometimes closely guarded like Fort Knox. My father has a BBQ sauce recipe that you would have to give up kidney before he gave it to you. Food is life and a huge part at that. Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, New Years…you name the holiday and I can bet that there will be spread for that will make your eyes pop.

Other southerners, true southerners, will understand what I’m saying. There is love in every bite and pride as well. Some people compete in sports, southerners compete in food. Who’s got the best mac n cheese, who’s got the best biscuits. You get the picture.

This has lead me to have a very full appreciation for food. I do not eat to live. I live to eat. I enjoy every aspect of food…for the most part. I can still eat sausage and beef even though I’ve seen it being butchered. That would be the WV in me. I know what is is and isn’t in a hot dog and I still enjoy a chili dog. Very little can turn me off food, though there are foods that turn me off. Chitterlings top that list…every time. Food is the easiest way to cheer me up and put my mind at ease.

Whether or not you can trace my weight to this food history, I’m not sure. I know there are other southerners out there that do not have the same weight issues that I do, so perhaps not. I just know that food was never really the enemy in my house. Perhaps my love of it was too much love, but it was not the foods fault.

So I want to know…what is your food history? How is food viewed in your home?

Dirty little secrets…

We can be honest with each other right? I mean…this is the space for us to let down our hair and just be free to discuss what is on our minds. No fear or shame here. Just us…being honest.

I want to talk about eating disorders…compulsive overeating. If this is not a topic you want to discuss, feel free to leave this post. Next week won’t be so controversial. For the rest of you…let’s get to the nitty gritty.

Compulsive overeating is defined as:

Individuals suffering from compulsive overeating are obsessed with food and typically eat when they are not hungry. They devote excessive amounts of time and thought to food and secretly plan to eat or fantasize about doing so. Compulsive overeaters engage in frequent episodes of uncontrolled eating, or binge eating. The term binge eating means eating an abundance of food while feeling that one's sense of control has been lost. People who engage in binge eating may feel frenzied, consuming between 5,000 and 15,000 calories in one binge. As a result, some will cancel their plans for the next day because they "feel fat". Bingeing in this way is generally followed by feelings of guilt and depression.

Unlike individuals with bulimia nervosa, compulsive overeaters do not attempt to compensate for their bingeing with purging behaviors, such as fasting, laxative use, or vomiting. When compulsive overeaters overeat primarily through bingeing and experience feelings of guilt after their binges, they can be said to have binge eating disorder (BED).

In addition to binge eating, compulsive overeaters may also engage in grazing behavior, during which they return to pick at food throughout the day. These actions result in an excessive overall number of calories consumed, even if the quantities eaten at any one time may be small.

I will be the first to admit, before WLS, I did this. On a regular basis. When I was sad…angry especially…feeling bored…any excuse really would set me off on a path of eating everything in my way. I knew exactly what was going on, but at times…felt that it was the only to quiet the way I was feeling at the time. Feelings were hard for me to process…can still be at times, but before they were just a nightmare. I had no real way of dealing with them. I didn’t want to talk to people about them, not that I really felt as if people would listen. My family is not the most open when it comes to these things, so I always felt locked in. eating…was a way to express my feelings without having to actually say them out loud. It all made sense to me and I’m sure it makes sense to thousands of others out there.

There are times I can remember that I used to be just ravenous…thinking about what meal was coming next, what I wanted and how I could go about getting it. I would take food to my room when my parents weren’t looking so that I could save it for later. There were times that I would shovel the food into my mouth so fast, I would nearly choke, just so that people wouldn’t know that I was eating…again. I was both defiant in my binging and shameful. An odd mix that became harder and harder to separate when it came to food. My weight was climbing and I was still eating like the food was going somewhere. My body was begging me to change. I started grazing because in my mind…that meant I wasn’t actually eating as much as I thought I was.

Makes sense right?

So the reality of the matter, I was eating my emotions. I would get pissed off, run to 7-11 and get a pint of ice cream, chips, donuts…anything surgery or crunchy and just eat until I stopped thinking about whatever it was that pissed me off or made me want to cry or just…anything that made me feel strongly one way or another. I found out my husband was cheating on me and I gained 20 lbs…Found out I had high blood pressure and needed meds, gained 10 lbs. Found out I could develop diabetes…gained 5 lbs…Tried to get pregnant and found it harder than when I was younger, gained 10 lbs…life was getting out of hand quickly and I found my control slipping. I needed something to get my life back under some kind of control.

WLS did not solve this issue by any means. It was simply a tool that helped me see what I needed to do. I started keeping a journal of my feelings. When I felt angry or sad or worried…I wrote down what I was feeling. I remembered my times in high school and the books of poems I used to write before boys took over my dreams. I went back to that. I learned to speak my mind,to tell others what I was thinking. I had to because there was no way I could go back down that hole again.

Do I have slip ups still? I would be lying to you if I said no. They aren’t as bad as they used to be. I now binge on vegetables and other healthy things. But bingeing is still bingeing and I have to stop myself and think about why I’m doing it. What am I trying to cover up with a handfuls of nuts and cheese? In those moments, I turn back to my journal to dissect what is wrong and how I can fix it, or at least give it less precedent over my life.

What I want to know is: What are your experiences with overeating and bingeing? Have you worked past it to any degree? Have you figured out your triggers? Let’s talk and have a conversation about things.

Plastic surgery…?

With gastric bypass comes a lot of changes. One of them is flabby skin on the arms. Now to be truthful, my skin is not as flabby as others I have seen, but it’s enough to cause me some discomfort. Not so much physical, but more of a self-conscious discomfort. I tend to wear cardigans or something to cover my arms because they are the biggest clue to how much weight I have actually lost. Would I be sad if I never had plastic surgery on them? No…I am cocky enough to not let it bother me. During the summer, I rock tube tops and tank tops and anything else, so the arms are not that big of a deterrent to me.

But if I ever have the money, I would get it done.

Take a look at the progression of my arms

Before surgery

One month after surgery

2 months after surgery

three months after surgery

nearly 3 1/2 years later.

I know, there are toning exercises that I should be doing, but a lot of it is skin. Again…it’s not that big of a deal. Sometimes though…I feel like I could take flight.

For those of you out there that have lost a significant amount of weight…what body part would you like to change as a result of the drastic changes to your body? I’m curious so let’s have a discussion.

Favorite foods

Let’s talk about food. This is a gastric weight loss blog after all and food is an integral part of life.
Food is a wonderful thing. Beautiful in its tastes and looks…how it makes you feel to chew that gooey brownie or bite into a perfectly sautéed brussels sprouts…just thinking about it makes me hungry. Let’s get back on topic.  I want to talk to you about my favorite healthy and unhealthy food. Why? Because I think that favorite foods speak a lot about whom a person is and what they seek when they gravitate towards that food. Didn’t realize it was that deep? Well I can be. Imagine that every time you cried, your mom gave you piece of chocolate and cuddled you till you stopped crying. From that point on, you would remember the feeling of being safe and loved while eating chocolate. True, that’s a simplistic take on things, but you get my drift.
My favorite healthy food (one of them anyways) has got to be brussels sprouts. (Aren’t they pretty?)


Sautéed, roasted, steamed…really anyway you can think to cook them; I’m going to eat them. Something about the shape and the taste of them just makes me smile. Covered in cheese…it’s all good. But I think I like them best roasted with a bit of salt and olive oil. They get crunchy on the outside and still soft on the inside. To be honest, I didn’t really have them until I became an adult, so there are no childhood memories of them, but the memories I do have of eating them now are good and happy.


While we are talking about healthy foods, we must give some credit to unhealthy food. True, it is unhealthy, but if eaten in moderation and respect to what your limit is, there is no reason not to enjoy the food. With that in mind, my most favorite is brownies.
I was going to say chocolate, but I do prefer brownies. I especially love the crunchy bits around the edges.


















A close second is stale peeps (don’t judge),
 but that’s not what we are talking about.




Brownies…so good when they are hot and gooey…ice cream on top. I also like them cold, having been made the day before. There is something about the rich, fudgy nature. I do have childhood memories of brownies. They were special treats, not for the everyday. my mom likes to put nuts in them, but I can eat them either way. It always felt like a prize at the end of the day if there were brownies waiting. They felt decadent, like I had done something great, even if it was just getting to school on time


So…what are some of your favorite healthy and unhealthy foods? Don’t be shy. Let me know and we can talk about the emotions behind them.

Back on the wagon

Let’s go back, shall we?

pre-op 11/29/2011 260 pounds

 

This is how I started this journey. A very enlightening, eye-opening, life changing journey. Along the way, I learned a lot about myself and those around me.

Has it been easy? NO

Has it been worth it? Yes, every minute of it.

Would I do it again? Hell yea!

This journey though is far from over. To be honest, for a while I was acting like it was. I started believing I was done, that I had reached the finish line. That I was “normal”.

What does that even mean?

Anyways, I had to remind myself that I wasn’t done. I have a lot more to do and accomplish. I don’t know what the wake up call was though. Could have been the too small bra…probably.

I just know that I need to get serous again, for me.

Here are today at 175 pounds, looking good, but still not quite at ease. We’ll get there.

At ease

So last time we talked, I mentioned being at ease in my new body, trying to live this different life. I’m not going to lie…there are time when I look in the mirror and I’m still shocked at who I see staring back at me. It’s weird at times to see my body thin, my face less round. I still feel like the fat girl. That’s not a bad thing, just an odd thing. I think I get, just a little, the body image mismatch some women have.
There are times, when I’m next to a “skinny” person and I feel…big, cumbersome. there is no other way to explain it. I just feel large and maybe a little aggressive, or dominate.
Its that just the big girl feeling? Thinking that my size is an overwhelming “thing” that can make others feel small?  I didn’t really feel that way before, maybe only occasionally, but these days…all the time.
All this leads me to wonder at what point will I be at ease in my own body again? At what point does the face in the mirror look familiar? Will it ever happen?
This is one of those things that they don’t cover in your pre or post op appointment.
Even though I feel this way at times, I have to acknowledge that I’m more at ease in this body than before. You would think after that long spiel I’m al freaked out still, but I’m not. Honest. Every day,this face feels more at home. This body becomes more my own as I learn to read it better, care for it more. It’s true…4 years later and my body and I are still getting reacquainted. No surprise really, since the change was drastic, dramatic and fast.
I can’t say I’m fully at ease yet, but I’m closer than I was a year, a month, even a day ago.
Tell me…if you're had major weight loss, either thru surgery or anything else…how long did it take you to become at ease?

Has it really been that long?

So today marks 4 years for me. four years post op.

Four years since I had gastric bypass and my whole life just…shifted hard to the right. A lot has changed in that time…some bad…a lot good.

I still don’t like selfie’s. Go figure. I swore that when I lost the weight I’d be more into pictures, buttttttt…not really. Maybe it’s just a me thing or maybe…I still can’t reconcile the image in the mirror with what is still in my brain.

I’ve still to try to run. I keep telling myself that I’m going to do it, but it never works out that way. I just don’t like the thought. I still need to try it though…at least once to cross it off my bucket list. I don’t know though…seems like too much of an effort *lol*

I gained a confidence in myself that some would say bordered on arrogance. I don’t think so though. I know that there are woman who are more beautiful, more confident, more…just more than me. But there is no shame in how I walk or how I carry myself. I don’t know if I had shame before…but I know I didn’t have the same swagger.

I got divorced. Not that it had a lot to do with the bypass…but I think it just pushed the rest of the way over. I wish that it hadn’t gone the way that it had…but it did and I’m okay with it. I learned, dealt and grew from it. Maybe the weight loss helped me overcome the fear of being alone…of thinking that I had to stay where I wasn’t wanted or happy.

Four years and I’m still growing and learning who I am in this new place.

New Reflections

Sometimes, when I look in the mirror, I don’t recognize myself. The face, the body…the attitude. It’s all new but the same.

                     

(A picture before work)

The face though, that’s what gets me. Smaller, more angular than I’ve ever seen. Not a bad thing, just new. Even now, after nearly three years of being on the other side of obese, I still have issues with the new me. Or should I say newly remodeled me. I’m not new, just different. I wouldn’t say issues though, more like coming to grips with who I am and where I’m at with my life.

Shopping has become a new high, my new food replacement so to speak.

Has that happened to you yet?

Seems I've traded one addiction for another. Why is that? A new sense of who I want to be, who I am as well. Is this normal? I need to go back to support group, reconnect with those that went in this journey with me. Maybe then I’d feel less alone of this trip.

Waiting

Seems I’ve been doing a lot of that lately. Waiting for the next chapter in my life to start. waiting to do what I want…waiting for the other person to be ready…waiting for the things I want in life to come to me.

I made plans to be this fabulous woman, outgoing and friendly and gracious. Planned extravagant parties and social activities and going to faraway place.

What the hell happened?

why am I waiting? what exactly am I waiting for? why can’t I go and do what I’ve planned for my life, accomplish all the goals I’ve set for myself, even if I do fail?

I remember in my marriage how I waited, waited for it to end, made plans for the next chapter, waited for the right moment. It never came and I had to make my own way. I remember all the grand plans that I’d made, all the parties I was going to throw and go to, all the plays and shows I wanted to see. All the travel I wanted to do. for some reason…I’m still waiting. waiting for the bills to not be so high, waiting for the right time, waiting…waiting…waiting. Why? What is about life that makes me just wait and plan? I have tons of plans and tons of ideas, but I seem to be stuck in the waiting phase, just looking around at all the other people who are doing what they set out to do. What exactly am I waiting for?

I made myself a promise when my marriage was falling down around me and I was scared and alone. I promised that when I came out the other side, I was going to take the new me and do all the things I’d been promised in my life. travel, shop, dine and party. (not table top dancing, but civilized) It seems that I’ve been a bit lax on that promise, but not again. From today on, I will do all that I said I would and take whatever happens.

Time to start living again.

Confessions

I have to admit something, something that I thought I never would.

I miss my regular sized stomach

Not so much the weight, but the simple joy I had in eating till my plate was clean. I don’t get this feeling often, but something when food looks really good and I’m just staring at it, the old feeling comes back and I wonder at it. More like a sense of nostalgia for the old days.

Do I want to go back to how things used to be? No, especially not since I just bought a sexy bodycon leopard print dress with the back cut out from Charlotte Russe…A place I never stepped foot in. Especially not when I look at my closet and all the slim jeans I have in it.

But in being honest with myself and how I’m living my life now, I have to admit that the feelings does exist.

Does the thought still linger for you? How do you combat it?

Really starting over…

So I thought that by going home, I would start over. Have a fresh new start. I thought wrong. I love my family…that’s not what this is about. It’s about not feeling that I fit in, that maybe…I had taken the wrong turn or taking the wrong fork in the road. That’s the great thing about a strong family. You can do things like that and they won’t punish you for it. They might pout, try to convince you to stay on the same path, but in the end…if you are serious, they will help you backtrack your steps and put you on the right path.

For those of you not in the know, I’m back in CO. I think I've officially decided on making CO the place to start over in. State…not so much but the people…I dig. I think I can make a go of this this time around.

Good times…Good times ahead.

Changes...

Change

What I know about change is this…it happens. All the time. It is the one constant thing in our lives that we can count on to never change. Change for the good, change for the bad…change just for change. It happens and if we are smart, we roll with it. Use it to our advantage to make ourselves better in the long run. We welcome it the way we would welcome a long lost friend, one we haven’t seen in a long time. We let it in the house and offer it something to eat and drink. Make it feel welcome and wanted. We do not push it outside and try to lock the doors. Because we know from experience that Change will just blow the door in and lay everything to waste if we don’t make room for it. That is what I’m trying to do. It’s hard, I know. Hard for those around me to understand what I’m going through and harder still for me to explain it. I just know that I need to do this; I need this change…again. I’ve been through the wringer and I’m still going through it. Maybe I’m not strong right now, but really…are we ever?

True there are times when we are stronger than others, but we not always strong, all the time. I think I’m ready enough to try again, to see if I can do this right this time. Or at least…better than the last time. Make better plans and take better care, treading carefully as I move along the dark, unlit, untraveled path that I’ve chosen. I’m young with no children and relatively single. Relative in that there is no ring on my finger, but still a hold on my heart. I’m excited for this and I wish that I could explain it better than I am. I’m excited this time around to not have a network of family, to not have that tight, ever present net for them to catch me in. I know it’s still there, but there is some room for me to make mistakes, to do what I think is right and not what I think they want me to do. I would never embarrass them or hurt them…but at times I have to do what feels good to me. What makes me dream big dreams. Sitting here, in my parent’s house…I can see that I’m getting too complacent…too relaxed. I don’t like it. I want to roam and see what I can get into, with no to really answer to. Is that a bad thing? Does that make me a bad person? Maybe…I’m not sure but it’s okay if it does. Something else I’ve picked up…an ability to let others be disappointed in me while I figure myself out.

Is it too much to have an adventure? To not want to wait for things to “be right”? If I wait, things will always be difficult, life passing me by while others take the chance to what they feel is right. I want to be in it, to see where life can take me and show me. I’m ready now to mess up, to fall on my face. Because what I know now is that I can get up and brush it…looking fabulous with me afro and keep moving along, wearing the scars like a badge. There is no shame in it…the only is in not trying, in not letting go of the rail. How will I ever know what I am capable of if I keep hanging on, using my family as a crutch to no change?

I’m going to do it, take the leap. Maybe I’ll crash and burn, maybe I’ll just hand in mid-air for a while. The real plan, the real goal that is on my mind, is to soar. Take to the sky and prove that change is not a bad thing.

The end

No, not the end of the blog, but an end to an era. Today, I filled out the paperwork to get my settlement from the ex’s account. Felt very final and will be even more so when it hits the bank account. I just feel very…distant from the whole thing. I even got a new SS card in the mail a few days ago and it hit me then that things were not the same anymore. Now, I just need a new driver’s lic and things will be…done I guess. I’m not sure how to even phrase it. I wanted to get away on a cruise, just a chance to take a break, but I’m not so sure right now or even later. I’d just like to be past this and on to the new part of my life. You know…the light at the end.

Home again…

It’s official, I’m back home again. FOr some reason, I thought things would be easier, but that’s was a pipe dream. Not working, looking for a job and trying to be the good daughter…yea.

It’s okay, I’m going to just plow on and get back on track. This can’t last forever…can it?

Changes

So not only is divorce emotionally draining, it’s also time consuming. More than just the court dates and stuff, but also with all the freakin name changes. Do you know how much stuff your name is actually on these days? It’s on EVERYTHING! Ugh and sometimes it’s easy to change things and other times…a pain in the butt. At least www.att.com was easy. I could have even gone online and done it if I’d known. Ah well…at least it’s done. I’m going to to have to get a new DL now and new ss card…*sigh*

Next time, I’m keeping my name. (but I don’t see it in the cards for me anymore)

Final

I just got the decree from my atty today that finalizes my divorce. I am no longer married and I have my old name back.

I’m happy…and sad. Ten years with one man and it’s all over with a piece of paper.

 

Huh…

Ugh…

Sometimes…family is irritating and annoying and just…a pain in the butt. Honestly there are times when I want to just run away and throw it all away.

I love them, I do and I would never want anything to happen to them. I wouldn’t really give them up either, but there are times when I wish they were a little less intense…less hard core. Mostly I’m talking about my mother and what seems to be her constant negativity of my life. I get that she’s worried and wants better for me. I get that right now, with where I’m at in my life, she’s scared I won’t be alright, but sweet Jesus…I wish she had a little bit more faith in me and how SHE raised me. Yes…I’m having a bit of a rough patch and yes…I’ve been in a better place, but we all have to go through darkness to get to the light.

I just need a break.

Travel Bug

I think...I want to travel more.

No...I KNOW i want to travel more. I want to get out into the world and see more of it. I used to get out a lot when my family lived in Germany. We would take day tours and the school would sponsor more of them during the year. I especially want to get back to France, see the countryside this time. Maybe by a little chateau and retire there. Would be so nice and calm...

Probably go crazy after a week, but still...the urge is there.

I think…

      I want to run away. I’ve been unsettled for a while, wanting to stay but needing to go. Or is needing to stay but wanting to go? I can’t tell right now. The unhappiness that I feel is stifling, almost to the point of choking. I should go home, let my parents care for me and just…veg. I have no kids, no real responsibilities that keep me from doing that. But yet, I still feel the need to keep pressing on, ignore the hurt and pretend that I’m okay with everything that’s happened to me. It’s the way I always do things. But I have to be honest, I’m tired of doing it the old way. The burden of doing it is starting to get to me.

      I’m not sure I’m ready to leave, but staying here is close to being painful. I want…plain and simple I want. I want more than I had and more than I have and that…can cause some problems.

Who the hell am I kidding…I don’t know what I want.