Thursday, February 12, 2015

Dirty little secrets…

We can be honest with each other right? I mean…this is the space for us to let down our hair and just be free to discuss what is on our minds. No fear or shame here. Just us…being honest.

I want to talk about eating disorders…compulsive overeating. If this is not a topic you want to discuss, feel free to leave this post. Next week won’t be so controversial. For the rest of you…let’s get to the nitty gritty.

Compulsive overeating is defined as:

Individuals suffering from compulsive overeating are obsessed with food and typically eat when they are not hungry. They devote excessive amounts of time and thought to food and secretly plan to eat or fantasize about doing so. Compulsive overeaters engage in frequent episodes of uncontrolled eating, or binge eating. The term binge eating means eating an abundance of food while feeling that one's sense of control has been lost. People who engage in binge eating may feel frenzied, consuming between 5,000 and 15,000 calories in one binge. As a result, some will cancel their plans for the next day because they "feel fat". Bingeing in this way is generally followed by feelings of guilt and depression.

Unlike individuals with bulimia nervosa, compulsive overeaters do not attempt to compensate for their bingeing with purging behaviors, such as fasting, laxative use, or vomiting. When compulsive overeaters overeat primarily through bingeing and experience feelings of guilt after their binges, they can be said to have binge eating disorder (BED).

In addition to binge eating, compulsive overeaters may also engage in grazing behavior, during which they return to pick at food throughout the day. These actions result in an excessive overall number of calories consumed, even if the quantities eaten at any one time may be small.

I will be the first to admit, before WLS, I did this. On a regular basis. When I was sad…angry especially…feeling bored…any excuse really would set me off on a path of eating everything in my way. I knew exactly what was going on, but at times…felt that it was the only to quiet the way I was feeling at the time. Feelings were hard for me to process…can still be at times, but before they were just a nightmare. I had no real way of dealing with them. I didn’t want to talk to people about them, not that I really felt as if people would listen. My family is not the most open when it comes to these things, so I always felt locked in. eating…was a way to express my feelings without having to actually say them out loud. It all made sense to me and I’m sure it makes sense to thousands of others out there.

There are times I can remember that I used to be just ravenous…thinking about what meal was coming next, what I wanted and how I could go about getting it. I would take food to my room when my parents weren’t looking so that I could save it for later. There were times that I would shovel the food into my mouth so fast, I would nearly choke, just so that people wouldn’t know that I was eating…again. I was both defiant in my binging and shameful. An odd mix that became harder and harder to separate when it came to food. My weight was climbing and I was still eating like the food was going somewhere. My body was begging me to change. I started grazing because in my mind…that meant I wasn’t actually eating as much as I thought I was.

Makes sense right?

So the reality of the matter, I was eating my emotions. I would get pissed off, run to 7-11 and get a pint of ice cream, chips, donuts…anything surgery or crunchy and just eat until I stopped thinking about whatever it was that pissed me off or made me want to cry or just…anything that made me feel strongly one way or another. I found out my husband was cheating on me and I gained 20 lbs…Found out I had high blood pressure and needed meds, gained 10 lbs. Found out I could develop diabetes…gained 5 lbs…Tried to get pregnant and found it harder than when I was younger, gained 10 lbs…life was getting out of hand quickly and I found my control slipping. I needed something to get my life back under some kind of control.

WLS did not solve this issue by any means. It was simply a tool that helped me see what I needed to do. I started keeping a journal of my feelings. When I felt angry or sad or worried…I wrote down what I was feeling. I remembered my times in high school and the books of poems I used to write before boys took over my dreams. I went back to that. I learned to speak my mind,to tell others what I was thinking. I had to because there was no way I could go back down that hole again.

Do I have slip ups still? I would be lying to you if I said no. They aren’t as bad as they used to be. I now binge on vegetables and other healthy things. But bingeing is still bingeing and I have to stop myself and think about why I’m doing it. What am I trying to cover up with a handfuls of nuts and cheese? In those moments, I turn back to my journal to dissect what is wrong and how I can fix it, or at least give it less precedent over my life.

What I want to know is: What are your experiences with overeating and bingeing? Have you worked past it to any degree? Have you figured out your triggers? Let’s talk and have a conversation about things.

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