I remember the day I went to the doctor and he told me my blood pressure was too high – deathly high. It was not so much a wake up call but a reality check on what my lifestyle was doing to me and my body. At the time of the original diagnosis, gastric bypass was not as advanced. They were still cutting people open and there was little support once you left surgery. Fast forward to 2011, things were MUCH different. There was laparoscopic surgery and a wide support group. There were blogs and recipes and just…so much out there that it made it my head spin. With that, I knew it was time to have the surgery. I wasn’t getting any younger and my body…it was starting to show the strain. So, I took the leap and went to the best bypass surgeon on the west coast. I went to all the classes, did my research and asked all the questions that came to my mind. I needed to be sure that it was the right step for me. I had people in my life who questioned me. They thought it was a cop out, the easy way to get things done. I had people giving me the side eye and whispering under their breaths, telling me about friends who had died or almost died from not eating or eating too much or infection…I had to shut them out. I knew what I was doing and I had the research to back me up. I also knew that it was a risk I needed to take. I couldn’t keep living the life I was in. I needed the change.
I just didn’t realize what I was going to end up paying for this change.
What I gained:
#1– My health. As the weight melted away, my blood pressure dropped, my joints felt better, I could breathe coming up the stairs. Simple things like tying my shoes came easier.
#2 – a sense of relief. Relief that I wasn’t going to stroke out at any moment or wake up with diabetes. Relief that I had broken the cycle of obesity at least a little bit.
#3 – freedom. Not just in my relationship status, but in my whole mentality. I still have habits and things I do that are self-sabotage, but not as bad as before. I am conscious of what I’m doing, how I’m feeling in a moment that would otherwise send me into a tail spin. there is a freedom in not being hostage to my stomach or my emotions.
What I lost:
#1 – doubt. This is complicated issue, but let me try to break it down. I still have some doubt…all humans do. My doubt is no longer about my weight though. I can’t say that I ever really doubted my self worth, but maybe if I was being realistic about my pride in who I was. Don’t get me wrong…I loved being a big girl. But sometimes under that pride…there was doubt.
#2 – my boobs. Okay…it’s superficial but real. I had breast reduction surgery when I was younger which took me down to a c-cup. Near surgery time, I was back up to a d-cup. After that…deflation back down to a c-cup…nearly a b-cup. I just…want big boobs again. What is wrong with that?
#3 – my willingness to settle. Once the weight left, so did my complacency with where I was in life. Some people see it as a problem, something to work on. I don’t. Why do I need to be content with mediocrity? What is wrong with not wanting the “same ‘ole same ‘ole”? But this is more than just wanting the better things in life. It’s also about not accepting any one else’s crap. I will not stand for being treated shabbily or sit around while someone walks all over me. I’m nice, but firm.
#4 – my filter. I’m not sure why, but as the weight came off, my desire to please others melted with it. Not really sure of the correlation…perhaps it’s more to do with not wanting to be loud and big…anyone else experienced this?
There are other things that I lost and gained but the things I’ve mentioned above…are the most significant.
tell me…what did you lose/gain by taking the risk?
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