Beginnings…

There is some good news in all this. I’m going to culinary school. I’ve applied to Johnson and wales and got accepted. Very happy day for me when I got the phone call. I’m hoping for financial aid, but I don’t know how much I’ll actually get since I’ll have to use my ex’s financial information. Maybe this year, I’ll go to H&R block. *snicker* Nah…turbo tax here I come.

I’m going to be a chef and part of my plan is to come up with bariatric friendly recipes. At times, it’s a pain in the ass to cook, to find recipes that work for each stage and are still…filling. I might even start a restaurant, call it “half portions” I can see it now…

Plans,,, they are what keep you going sometimes.

Divorce…

Is such and ugly word. It just sounds bad, right? Dissolution of marriage is just as bad and I can’t figure out who came up with it. How did the dissolution of something take the sting out what it is?

Dissolution…

1.the act or process of resolving or dissolving into parts or elements.

2.the resulting state.

3.the undoing or breaking of a bond, tie, union, partnership, etc.

4.the breaking up of an assembly or organization; dismissal; dispersal.

5.Government . an order issued by the head of a state terminating a parliament and necessitating a new election.

Each definition just makes me cringe and my eyes twitch. But how do you get past it? How do you make it something better, when it isn’t A part of your life is ending and all you can is hold some of the pieces together and hope for the best. I know there are books out there and support groups, but that’s not what this is. It’s a really hard look at the ending of a relationship and wondering how you are supposed to make it better. How do you make it so it sounds less hostile, less like a failure or a destruction of something that you once held so close to your heart? Is there a way?

Timing…

I missed an appointment with Dr. Snyder a few months ago. It’s was a yearly checkup I think, but still a big deal. I’m not sure why I missed it. Other than the whole divorce thing…and not having a car at the time…and possible weight gain.

Gasp…weight gain you say! say it ain’t so.

Yes…I think I’ve gained weight. Not enough to freak out about, but enough that I know I’m having issues. I’m still within my target weight goal (I think) but it’s enough for me to take stock of my life and realize I’m not taking care of myself. I’m not staying on schedule, I’m not watching my intake, which is still low. Good news is that I’m slowly getting back on track, watching the intake and trying to maintain a schedule. I’m not going to lie, once you fall off…it’s a bitch to get back on. You keep missing the step, falling on your face and eating dirt. But, if you want it bad enough, you keep chasing the bus, yelling at it to at least slow down so you can catch a hand rail.

Did I mention that I’ve also missed all the support group meetings as well? Those really hit me on how much I miss them. I miss the people and having someone else to talk to. A chance to get out of my head and be free for an hour. I need to start that again. Talking to people might help me over this hump or slump or whatever it is.

First step is to get in to see Dr. Snyder. I may be in the middle of a mess, but if I don’t take care of me, who will?

Long Time

I know, I haven't been here in a while. A lot has been going on and it’s taken me till now to deal with it enough that I can put it in a blog, let it out so others can relate to what has been going on.

Let’s start with the heavy and go from there.

I’m in the middle of a divorce. Or maybe it’s the end. I can’t really tell anymore. All I know is that my 10 year relationship has imploded and I’m still picking up the pieces. A lot of people will tell me that they are sorry to hear that, that their heart goes out to them, but I’m not in the mood. I just want people to nod and look away. I’m not able to handle the pity or the sorrow or even the despair that some people express at the ending of my marriage. I may never be able to and that’s how I handle things. Just press on until the road runs out. Productive yes…emotionally healthy…not so much.

With that out there, I’m going to take this blog in a new direction. We are still going to talk about bariatric surgery and recipes, but I’m also going to get personal, talk about dreams,wants needs. I’ll probably post some stuff that I’m writing and even some deep thoughts that may make you blush a bit. Sorry about that, but it’s time I condensed my thoughts and words to one place. I have about three other blogs and it’s too hard, too much to keep up with keeping it all separate.

One place…one me. That’s the new motto.

Not everything that glitters…

There has been a development in my journey and I feel that I need to share it with you. Its not meant to scare or discourage anyone from taking the path that this blog talks about. It’s meant more as a reminder that just because you lose the weight does not mean you are out of the woods.

So since about Nov or so, I’ve been getting very high readings on the bp. I mean…pre-surgery readings. I thought I was done with this crap, but it seems that I’m not. the final clincher came when I went to the OB/GYN and got another high reading. So, with a heavy heart, I went in to see my PCP. Still more sad face since it was confirmed, I had high blood pressure. With that edict, I am back on blood pressure meds. It’s not something that I planned on, which is why I’m upset. I’d been sure that the weight loss would kind just…erase it all and I would be good as new.

Just goes to show…being thin is not the same as being healthy.

My take on things...

So with the new year comes a lot a of...stuff. Stuff to do, stuff to think about and just stuff to give away. It's been a while since I stopped in on my blog, but I'm hoping that I can change that. Just because I'm at goal weight does not mean my struggles have stopped. Just means they can sneak up on my butt quicker.

So, in comments, someone had a few questions and I thought the perfect place to answer them would be here in the blog. This blog is here for everyone thinking of gastric or any kind of wls surgery and if there are any questions that need to be answered or any information needed to be passed out, I will do my best to help. There is nothing that I wont answer or tell you, since I'm occasionally known as one of those TMI people *lol* Here goes:

If you knew beforehand what the struggle would be like, would you do it again? I mean really, the pain, the relationships, the hormone swings, the vomiting, the gas/dumping, never having easy food on hand anymore and being forced to cook -- would you go through all that again?
The honest to god truth is that yes, I would do it again. One of the main reasons that I waited as long as I did is because of the complications from earlier surgeries,when the tech was not so good and Dr.'s had no idea of what they were doing. I didn't want to be fileted like a fish and risk all kinds of complications. With the tech that's out today, it's smoother and easier, for the most part. I say that because in every surgery group, there is at least two people who will not do well in the beginning. It's guaranteed to happen. They will be the ones to have all the pain and complications the dr.'s talk about. I was lucky I wasn't one of them. I can't say if you will be one or not and that's the risk you have to take. I looked at it this way: I had bp 180/140, weighted 260 lbs and was on the verge of developing diabetes, all before 35. I had to make a change that was drastic or I was not going to make 40. Simple as that.

The hormone swings are easier to compensate for when you know you're going to have them. I didn't and as an emotionally repressed individual, it was a shock all the way around. As I learned my new body, I learned what set me off and what I could to combat them. Mostly it was a lack of protein and if I kept up the intake I needed, they weren't as bad. These days I've leveled out, but before...you were lucky if I didn't try to push you off a cliff then skip away.

The relationships are a tricky territory that each person has to navigate. Mine where changing anyway and the surgery just...sped it up. If your friends love you and have supported you through the surgery and all that it entails, then they will stay. It's the ones you know that sabotage you and hold you back that you have to watch out for. And you know who they are, even now before the surgery. The ones who don't help you diet, who urge you to cheat, who make snide comments when you do lose weight on you own. The surgery and everything that comes with it just brings out the nastiness more and you will know when to let go.

Having easy food on hand was a hard thing to adjust to, until I realized just what was in the “easy” food. My easy foods were snickers, cookies, pop tarts...all the stuff that didn't help me in the least. I had to let it go and it was a good thing. Now, easy foods for me are carrots, fruit, string cheese, yogurts. It's still all easy, just better for me. I've learned to make my food ahead, so I'm not at the last moment trying to find food. Also, my cravings are different, or maybe the way I handle them has changed. I want something sweet? I grab a fruit. Something crunchy? A carrot with some hummus. Don't think that I'm completely on this health wagon, cuz I'm not. I still have ice cream (1 scoop) and Twinkies (½ of one.) I've just learned moderation and when to treat myself. Cuz even now, if I don't get enough protein, I'm a mean bitch. Just saying...

Can you say you are happy as a person? You admitted to being somewhat depressed -- do you feel like you've rebounded from that or are you a skinny person that's depressed?
I think my depression was something more internal than the weight. At the moment, I'm trying to finish school, get a better job, etc. Before, I was dealing with financial issues and whether or not I wanted to stay where I was relationship wise or not. The weight loss released a lot of hormones that just made it all...more intense. Even now, I still have doubts and some depression, but I can't say it's linked to the weight. As I said before, I'm not the most in touch emotionally and all these hormones throw me off from time to time. I can't say that I've rebounded, since I'm still going through some issues, but the truth is that I was feeling this way beforehand and I'm still dealing with them now, even after surgery. So the answer is yes and no. Overall...I'm happy with the decision that I made and how it's affected my life. Because the issues I'm going through now are not compounded by medical issues or the fear of more medical issues.

I'm just trying to figure out a realistic picture of how worthwhile all this struggle will be? I mean do you live with indigestion all the time?
No, I don't. I believe that after a year or probably a little before the year is up from gastric, your body settles into it's new place. It adapts to the new anatomy and learns to adjust. I do still have the weird rumblings in my intestines and some things I just can't eat, but I learn to avoid those things or work around them. Also, this far out, my stomach is a tad bigger, so it's able to hold more food without making me feel stuffed. I've learned to listen to my body better now, understanding what the full feeling is and not eating past it, which I would have done before.

A realistic picture of the process is that it's hard in the beginning and you have to relearn things. You have to learn to eat again, properly. You have to give up some foods or find replacements for them that may taste like crap. ( I said I'd tell you the truth) You may at times think “What the hell did I do?” cuz I did that all the time during the liquid and beginning solids stage. My dietician says that if you can make it through the 1st 3 months, then you are home free and she's right. This is so much more intense than a diet or a weight loss plan. Its permanent and life altering and you have to be ready for it. It's not an easy fix and it's possible to fail with this, just like a diet. You have to want it, more than anything else in your life. Regardless of the weight loss, you have to want this change in your life. Cuz you may not lose as much weight as I did, or it may take you longer. That's the truth of things.

But the rewards are very much worth it.
I don't want to sound like I'm selling this, cuz I'm not. If you decided not to do it, good. Something else may work better for you. Do all the research you can before going to that first seminar. Ask all the crazy questions that pop into your mind. You may find that this is not the path for you and so much the better for not taking a road not meant for you.

I hope I did more good than bad and if anyone else wants to ask me something, feel free. Nothing is truly taboo.