Beginnings…

There is some good news in all this. I’m going to culinary school. I’ve applied to Johnson and wales and got accepted. Very happy day for me when I got the phone call. I’m hoping for financial aid, but I don’t know how much I’ll actually get since I’ll have to use my ex’s financial information. Maybe this year, I’ll go to H&R block. *snicker* Nah…turbo tax here I come.

I’m going to be a chef and part of my plan is to come up with bariatric friendly recipes. At times, it’s a pain in the ass to cook, to find recipes that work for each stage and are still…filling. I might even start a restaurant, call it “half portions” I can see it now…

Plans,,, they are what keep you going sometimes.

Divorce…

Is such and ugly word. It just sounds bad, right? Dissolution of marriage is just as bad and I can’t figure out who came up with it. How did the dissolution of something take the sting out what it is?

Dissolution…

1.the act or process of resolving or dissolving into parts or elements.

2.the resulting state.

3.the undoing or breaking of a bond, tie, union, partnership, etc.

4.the breaking up of an assembly or organization; dismissal; dispersal.

5.Government . an order issued by the head of a state terminating a parliament and necessitating a new election.

Each definition just makes me cringe and my eyes twitch. But how do you get past it? How do you make it something better, when it isn’t A part of your life is ending and all you can is hold some of the pieces together and hope for the best. I know there are books out there and support groups, but that’s not what this is. It’s a really hard look at the ending of a relationship and wondering how you are supposed to make it better. How do you make it so it sounds less hostile, less like a failure or a destruction of something that you once held so close to your heart? Is there a way?

Timing…

I missed an appointment with Dr. Snyder a few months ago. It’s was a yearly checkup I think, but still a big deal. I’m not sure why I missed it. Other than the whole divorce thing…and not having a car at the time…and possible weight gain.

Gasp…weight gain you say! say it ain’t so.

Yes…I think I’ve gained weight. Not enough to freak out about, but enough that I know I’m having issues. I’m still within my target weight goal (I think) but it’s enough for me to take stock of my life and realize I’m not taking care of myself. I’m not staying on schedule, I’m not watching my intake, which is still low. Good news is that I’m slowly getting back on track, watching the intake and trying to maintain a schedule. I’m not going to lie, once you fall off…it’s a bitch to get back on. You keep missing the step, falling on your face and eating dirt. But, if you want it bad enough, you keep chasing the bus, yelling at it to at least slow down so you can catch a hand rail.

Did I mention that I’ve also missed all the support group meetings as well? Those really hit me on how much I miss them. I miss the people and having someone else to talk to. A chance to get out of my head and be free for an hour. I need to start that again. Talking to people might help me over this hump or slump or whatever it is.

First step is to get in to see Dr. Snyder. I may be in the middle of a mess, but if I don’t take care of me, who will?

Long Time

I know, I haven't been here in a while. A lot has been going on and it’s taken me till now to deal with it enough that I can put it in a blog, let it out so others can relate to what has been going on.

Let’s start with the heavy and go from there.

I’m in the middle of a divorce. Or maybe it’s the end. I can’t really tell anymore. All I know is that my 10 year relationship has imploded and I’m still picking up the pieces. A lot of people will tell me that they are sorry to hear that, that their heart goes out to them, but I’m not in the mood. I just want people to nod and look away. I’m not able to handle the pity or the sorrow or even the despair that some people express at the ending of my marriage. I may never be able to and that’s how I handle things. Just press on until the road runs out. Productive yes…emotionally healthy…not so much.

With that out there, I’m going to take this blog in a new direction. We are still going to talk about bariatric surgery and recipes, but I’m also going to get personal, talk about dreams,wants needs. I’ll probably post some stuff that I’m writing and even some deep thoughts that may make you blush a bit. Sorry about that, but it’s time I condensed my thoughts and words to one place. I have about three other blogs and it’s too hard, too much to keep up with keeping it all separate.

One place…one me. That’s the new motto.