Waiting

Seems I’ve been doing a lot of that lately. Waiting for the next chapter in my life to start. waiting to do what I want…waiting for the other person to be ready…waiting for the things I want in life to come to me.

I made plans to be this fabulous woman, outgoing and friendly and gracious. Planned extravagant parties and social activities and going to faraway place.

What the hell happened?

why am I waiting? what exactly am I waiting for? why can’t I go and do what I’ve planned for my life, accomplish all the goals I’ve set for myself, even if I do fail?

I remember in my marriage how I waited, waited for it to end, made plans for the next chapter, waited for the right moment. It never came and I had to make my own way. I remember all the grand plans that I’d made, all the parties I was going to throw and go to, all the plays and shows I wanted to see. All the travel I wanted to do. for some reason…I’m still waiting. waiting for the bills to not be so high, waiting for the right time, waiting…waiting…waiting. Why? What is about life that makes me just wait and plan? I have tons of plans and tons of ideas, but I seem to be stuck in the waiting phase, just looking around at all the other people who are doing what they set out to do. What exactly am I waiting for?

I made myself a promise when my marriage was falling down around me and I was scared and alone. I promised that when I came out the other side, I was going to take the new me and do all the things I’d been promised in my life. travel, shop, dine and party. (not table top dancing, but civilized) It seems that I’ve been a bit lax on that promise, but not again. From today on, I will do all that I said I would and take whatever happens.

Time to start living again.

Confessions

I have to admit something, something that I thought I never would.

I miss my regular sized stomach

Not so much the weight, but the simple joy I had in eating till my plate was clean. I don’t get this feeling often, but something when food looks really good and I’m just staring at it, the old feeling comes back and I wonder at it. More like a sense of nostalgia for the old days.

Do I want to go back to how things used to be? No, especially not since I just bought a sexy bodycon leopard print dress with the back cut out from Charlotte Russe…A place I never stepped foot in. Especially not when I look at my closet and all the slim jeans I have in it.

But in being honest with myself and how I’m living my life now, I have to admit that the feelings does exist.

Does the thought still linger for you? How do you combat it?

Recipe time

I made dinner today and from the raves the boyfriend is giving me, I’m thinking he really liked it. So let me share it with you.

Italian sausage pasta

·         4 Italian sausage links

·         Two medium carrots

·         One celery stalk

·         1 tsp of garlic

·         2 tablespoons of Philadelphia cream cheese

·         A can of diced tomatoes

·         ½ cup of water

·         Salt pepper

·         Whole wheat pasta

Pre-heat a medium skillet on medium heat. Dice up the carrots and celery, and sauté in the pan until they are tender. You can salt the carrots and celery.

While you are doing this, bring a pot of water to a boil. Add the pasta to the water and cook according to the package instructions.

Once the vegetables are tender, break up the Italian sausage into pieces and brown the meat. Once the meat is cooked through, add the can of diced tomatoes, water, salt and pepper to taste. Bring this to a simmer. Once it’s a simmer, add the cream cheese and incorporate into the sauce. Bring back to a simmer and stir occasionally. Taste for seasoning.

Once the pasta is cooked, drain and add to the sauce. Top with Parmesan if wanted

That’s it…enjoy!!!

Untitled #39

Untitled #39 by dirogers featuring a stackable bracelet

Rick Owens fitted long sleeve shirt, $540 / Freaky Nation jacket, $200 / SuperTrash jeans, $68 / Aéropostale ankle booties / Chloé handbag / Stackable bracelet / Chain hoop earrings, $6.40 / American Eagle Outfitters scarve

Just need some milk

Just need some milk by dirogers featuring a gold silver necklace

Thakoon white cotton shirt / Ventcouvert black leather pants / Head Over Heels by Dune black stiletto boots, $79 / Chloé tote bag / Gold silver necklace

Really starting over…

So I thought that by going home, I would start over. Have a fresh new start. I thought wrong. I love my family…that’s not what this is about. It’s about not feeling that I fit in, that maybe…I had taken the wrong turn or taking the wrong fork in the road. That’s the great thing about a strong family. You can do things like that and they won’t punish you for it. They might pout, try to convince you to stay on the same path, but in the end…if you are serious, they will help you backtrack your steps and put you on the right path.

For those of you not in the know, I’m back in CO. I think I've officially decided on making CO the place to start over in. State…not so much but the people…I dig. I think I can make a go of this this time around.

Good times…Good times ahead.

Changes...

Change

What I know about change is this…it happens. All the time. It is the one constant thing in our lives that we can count on to never change. Change for the good, change for the bad…change just for change. It happens and if we are smart, we roll with it. Use it to our advantage to make ourselves better in the long run. We welcome it the way we would welcome a long lost friend, one we haven’t seen in a long time. We let it in the house and offer it something to eat and drink. Make it feel welcome and wanted. We do not push it outside and try to lock the doors. Because we know from experience that Change will just blow the door in and lay everything to waste if we don’t make room for it. That is what I’m trying to do. It’s hard, I know. Hard for those around me to understand what I’m going through and harder still for me to explain it. I just know that I need to do this; I need this change…again. I’ve been through the wringer and I’m still going through it. Maybe I’m not strong right now, but really…are we ever?

True there are times when we are stronger than others, but we not always strong, all the time. I think I’m ready enough to try again, to see if I can do this right this time. Or at least…better than the last time. Make better plans and take better care, treading carefully as I move along the dark, unlit, untraveled path that I’ve chosen. I’m young with no children and relatively single. Relative in that there is no ring on my finger, but still a hold on my heart. I’m excited for this and I wish that I could explain it better than I am. I’m excited this time around to not have a network of family, to not have that tight, ever present net for them to catch me in. I know it’s still there, but there is some room for me to make mistakes, to do what I think is right and not what I think they want me to do. I would never embarrass them or hurt them…but at times I have to do what feels good to me. What makes me dream big dreams. Sitting here, in my parent’s house…I can see that I’m getting too complacent…too relaxed. I don’t like it. I want to roam and see what I can get into, with no to really answer to. Is that a bad thing? Does that make me a bad person? Maybe…I’m not sure but it’s okay if it does. Something else I’ve picked up…an ability to let others be disappointed in me while I figure myself out.

Is it too much to have an adventure? To not want to wait for things to “be right”? If I wait, things will always be difficult, life passing me by while others take the chance to what they feel is right. I want to be in it, to see where life can take me and show me. I’m ready now to mess up, to fall on my face. Because what I know now is that I can get up and brush it…looking fabulous with me afro and keep moving along, wearing the scars like a badge. There is no shame in it…the only is in not trying, in not letting go of the rail. How will I ever know what I am capable of if I keep hanging on, using my family as a crutch to no change?

I’m going to do it, take the leap. Maybe I’ll crash and burn, maybe I’ll just hand in mid-air for a while. The real plan, the real goal that is on my mind, is to soar. Take to the sky and prove that change is not a bad thing.