At ease

So last time we talked, I mentioned being at ease in my new body, trying to live this different life. I’m not going to lie…there are time when I look in the mirror and I’m still shocked at who I see staring back at me. It’s weird at times to see my body thin, my face less round. I still feel like the fat girl. That’s not a bad thing, just an odd thing. I think I get, just a little, the body image mismatch some women have.
There are times, when I’m next to a “skinny” person and I feel…big, cumbersome. there is no other way to explain it. I just feel large and maybe a little aggressive, or dominate.
Its that just the big girl feeling? Thinking that my size is an overwhelming “thing” that can make others feel small?  I didn’t really feel that way before, maybe only occasionally, but these days…all the time.
All this leads me to wonder at what point will I be at ease in my own body again? At what point does the face in the mirror look familiar? Will it ever happen?
This is one of those things that they don’t cover in your pre or post op appointment.
Even though I feel this way at times, I have to acknowledge that I’m more at ease in this body than before. You would think after that long spiel I’m al freaked out still, but I’m not. Honest. Every day,this face feels more at home. This body becomes more my own as I learn to read it better, care for it more. It’s true…4 years later and my body and I are still getting reacquainted. No surprise really, since the change was drastic, dramatic and fast.
I can’t say I’m fully at ease yet, but I’m closer than I was a year, a month, even a day ago.
Tell me…if you're had major weight loss, either thru surgery or anything else…how long did it take you to become at ease?

Has it really been that long?

So today marks 4 years for me. four years post op.

Four years since I had gastric bypass and my whole life just…shifted hard to the right. A lot has changed in that time…some bad…a lot good.

I still don’t like selfie’s. Go figure. I swore that when I lost the weight I’d be more into pictures, buttttttt…not really. Maybe it’s just a me thing or maybe…I still can’t reconcile the image in the mirror with what is still in my brain.

I’ve still to try to run. I keep telling myself that I’m going to do it, but it never works out that way. I just don’t like the thought. I still need to try it though…at least once to cross it off my bucket list. I don’t know though…seems like too much of an effort *lol*

I gained a confidence in myself that some would say bordered on arrogance. I don’t think so though. I know that there are woman who are more beautiful, more confident, more…just more than me. But there is no shame in how I walk or how I carry myself. I don’t know if I had shame before…but I know I didn’t have the same swagger.

I got divorced. Not that it had a lot to do with the bypass…but I think it just pushed the rest of the way over. I wish that it hadn’t gone the way that it had…but it did and I’m okay with it. I learned, dealt and grew from it. Maybe the weight loss helped me overcome the fear of being alone…of thinking that I had to stay where I wasn’t wanted or happy.

Four years and I’m still growing and learning who I am in this new place.