Pregnancy Update: Weeks 26-28

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Big News...

It's been a while since I've posted on this blog and I apologize for the long break. Things have settle down a bit in my life and I put this part of my journey on the back burner while I walked my path in life. I have to admit, things were pretty quiet as I just lived my life.

Then...

Life changed for me in a big way...





My partner and I, because boyfriend sounds sooooooooooo 10th grade, made a decision that would change our lives forever. And in the process, bring a piece of my former journey from the backburner. As a GB patient, my pregnancy journey is a bit different than most and I'd honestly planned to document more, but some bumps on the road have slowed me down. We are going to discuss all of this and more. For now though, I wanted to just sit down and say hello.

I hope you'll say hello back and take this journey with me. 

Snack time

I know…we talk about food a lot on this blog.

Hey, just cuz I had gastric don’t mean I don’t still love food.

Anyways…I want to talk to you about snacks. Before gastric, I was definitely a grazer. I would eat breakfast…then a snack…another snack…then lunch…then another snack and another…and so on. Non of my meals were all that big, but by constantly grazing, I was able to pack on the calories without realizing what was happening. Okay…that’s only part of the issue, but it’s the part we are talking about now.

Just because I now have a schedule does not meant that I have given up snacking. It just means in all honestly…those snacks are now meals. All my gastric bypassers will understand that statement…even my lap band peeps will get it.

With that said, there are some snacks that I must have…at all times. I can’t explain, but I can almost never get tired of them.

#1 - cheese

#2 - nuts

#3 – pretzels

#4 – hummus

Those are, hands down, my favorite snacks that I can turn to all the time.

What are your favorite snacks?

Where I’m from

When talking about food and our relationship with it, we can not leave out our history, or where we started.

While I was born and spent most of my life in Germany, My family is from the south. Mother is from SC, daddy is from WV by way of VA and other members are from various other southern states.

What does this mean?

Well, for the most part, it means we love food. Food is an integral part of our lives. From weddings, to funerals, to family gatherings…food is important. Almost as important as the event itself. recipes are handed down from family member to family member, sometimes closely guarded like Fort Knox. My father has a BBQ sauce recipe that you would have to give up kidney before he gave it to you. Food is life and a huge part at that. Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, New Years…you name the holiday and I can bet that there will be spread for that will make your eyes pop.

Other southerners, true southerners, will understand what I’m saying. There is love in every bite and pride as well. Some people compete in sports, southerners compete in food. Who’s got the best mac n cheese, who’s got the best biscuits. You get the picture.

This has lead me to have a very full appreciation for food. I do not eat to live. I live to eat. I enjoy every aspect of food…for the most part. I can still eat sausage and beef even though I’ve seen it being butchered. That would be the WV in me. I know what is is and isn’t in a hot dog and I still enjoy a chili dog. Very little can turn me off food, though there are foods that turn me off. Chitterlings top that list…every time. Food is the easiest way to cheer me up and put my mind at ease.

Whether or not you can trace my weight to this food history, I’m not sure. I know there are other southerners out there that do not have the same weight issues that I do, so perhaps not. I just know that food was never really the enemy in my house. Perhaps my love of it was too much love, but it was not the foods fault.

So I want to know…what is your food history? How is food viewed in your home?

Dirty little secrets…

We can be honest with each other right? I mean…this is the space for us to let down our hair and just be free to discuss what is on our minds. No fear or shame here. Just us…being honest.

I want to talk about eating disorders…compulsive overeating. If this is not a topic you want to discuss, feel free to leave this post. Next week won’t be so controversial. For the rest of you…let’s get to the nitty gritty.

Compulsive overeating is defined as:

Individuals suffering from compulsive overeating are obsessed with food and typically eat when they are not hungry. They devote excessive amounts of time and thought to food and secretly plan to eat or fantasize about doing so. Compulsive overeaters engage in frequent episodes of uncontrolled eating, or binge eating. The term binge eating means eating an abundance of food while feeling that one's sense of control has been lost. People who engage in binge eating may feel frenzied, consuming between 5,000 and 15,000 calories in one binge. As a result, some will cancel their plans for the next day because they "feel fat". Bingeing in this way is generally followed by feelings of guilt and depression.

Unlike individuals with bulimia nervosa, compulsive overeaters do not attempt to compensate for their bingeing with purging behaviors, such as fasting, laxative use, or vomiting. When compulsive overeaters overeat primarily through bingeing and experience feelings of guilt after their binges, they can be said to have binge eating disorder (BED).

In addition to binge eating, compulsive overeaters may also engage in grazing behavior, during which they return to pick at food throughout the day. These actions result in an excessive overall number of calories consumed, even if the quantities eaten at any one time may be small.

I will be the first to admit, before WLS, I did this. On a regular basis. When I was sad…angry especially…feeling bored…any excuse really would set me off on a path of eating everything in my way. I knew exactly what was going on, but at times…felt that it was the only to quiet the way I was feeling at the time. Feelings were hard for me to process…can still be at times, but before they were just a nightmare. I had no real way of dealing with them. I didn’t want to talk to people about them, not that I really felt as if people would listen. My family is not the most open when it comes to these things, so I always felt locked in. eating…was a way to express my feelings without having to actually say them out loud. It all made sense to me and I’m sure it makes sense to thousands of others out there.

There are times I can remember that I used to be just ravenous…thinking about what meal was coming next, what I wanted and how I could go about getting it. I would take food to my room when my parents weren’t looking so that I could save it for later. There were times that I would shovel the food into my mouth so fast, I would nearly choke, just so that people wouldn’t know that I was eating…again. I was both defiant in my binging and shameful. An odd mix that became harder and harder to separate when it came to food. My weight was climbing and I was still eating like the food was going somewhere. My body was begging me to change. I started grazing because in my mind…that meant I wasn’t actually eating as much as I thought I was.

Makes sense right?

So the reality of the matter, I was eating my emotions. I would get pissed off, run to 7-11 and get a pint of ice cream, chips, donuts…anything surgery or crunchy and just eat until I stopped thinking about whatever it was that pissed me off or made me want to cry or just…anything that made me feel strongly one way or another. I found out my husband was cheating on me and I gained 20 lbs…Found out I had high blood pressure and needed meds, gained 10 lbs. Found out I could develop diabetes…gained 5 lbs…Tried to get pregnant and found it harder than when I was younger, gained 10 lbs…life was getting out of hand quickly and I found my control slipping. I needed something to get my life back under some kind of control.

WLS did not solve this issue by any means. It was simply a tool that helped me see what I needed to do. I started keeping a journal of my feelings. When I felt angry or sad or worried…I wrote down what I was feeling. I remembered my times in high school and the books of poems I used to write before boys took over my dreams. I went back to that. I learned to speak my mind,to tell others what I was thinking. I had to because there was no way I could go back down that hole again.

Do I have slip ups still? I would be lying to you if I said no. They aren’t as bad as they used to be. I now binge on vegetables and other healthy things. But bingeing is still bingeing and I have to stop myself and think about why I’m doing it. What am I trying to cover up with a handfuls of nuts and cheese? In those moments, I turn back to my journal to dissect what is wrong and how I can fix it, or at least give it less precedent over my life.

What I want to know is: What are your experiences with overeating and bingeing? Have you worked past it to any degree? Have you figured out your triggers? Let’s talk and have a conversation about things.

Plastic surgery…?

With gastric bypass comes a lot of changes. One of them is flabby skin on the arms. Now to be truthful, my skin is not as flabby as others I have seen, but it’s enough to cause me some discomfort. Not so much physical, but more of a self-conscious discomfort. I tend to wear cardigans or something to cover my arms because they are the biggest clue to how much weight I have actually lost. Would I be sad if I never had plastic surgery on them? No…I am cocky enough to not let it bother me. During the summer, I rock tube tops and tank tops and anything else, so the arms are not that big of a deterrent to me.

But if I ever have the money, I would get it done.

Take a look at the progression of my arms

Before surgery

One month after surgery

2 months after surgery

three months after surgery

nearly 3 1/2 years later.

I know, there are toning exercises that I should be doing, but a lot of it is skin. Again…it’s not that big of a deal. Sometimes though…I feel like I could take flight.

For those of you out there that have lost a significant amount of weight…what body part would you like to change as a result of the drastic changes to your body? I’m curious so let’s have a discussion.

Favorite foods

Let’s talk about food. This is a gastric weight loss blog after all and food is an integral part of life.
Food is a wonderful thing. Beautiful in its tastes and looks…how it makes you feel to chew that gooey brownie or bite into a perfectly sautéed brussels sprouts…just thinking about it makes me hungry. Let’s get back on topic.  I want to talk to you about my favorite healthy and unhealthy food. Why? Because I think that favorite foods speak a lot about whom a person is and what they seek when they gravitate towards that food. Didn’t realize it was that deep? Well I can be. Imagine that every time you cried, your mom gave you piece of chocolate and cuddled you till you stopped crying. From that point on, you would remember the feeling of being safe and loved while eating chocolate. True, that’s a simplistic take on things, but you get my drift.
My favorite healthy food (one of them anyways) has got to be brussels sprouts. (Aren’t they pretty?)


Sautéed, roasted, steamed…really anyway you can think to cook them; I’m going to eat them. Something about the shape and the taste of them just makes me smile. Covered in cheese…it’s all good. But I think I like them best roasted with a bit of salt and olive oil. They get crunchy on the outside and still soft on the inside. To be honest, I didn’t really have them until I became an adult, so there are no childhood memories of them, but the memories I do have of eating them now are good and happy.


While we are talking about healthy foods, we must give some credit to unhealthy food. True, it is unhealthy, but if eaten in moderation and respect to what your limit is, there is no reason not to enjoy the food. With that in mind, my most favorite is brownies.
I was going to say chocolate, but I do prefer brownies. I especially love the crunchy bits around the edges.


















A close second is stale peeps (don’t judge),
 but that’s not what we are talking about.




Brownies…so good when they are hot and gooey…ice cream on top. I also like them cold, having been made the day before. There is something about the rich, fudgy nature. I do have childhood memories of brownies. They were special treats, not for the everyday. my mom likes to put nuts in them, but I can eat them either way. It always felt like a prize at the end of the day if there were brownies waiting. They felt decadent, like I had done something great, even if it was just getting to school on time


So…what are some of your favorite healthy and unhealthy foods? Don’t be shy. Let me know and we can talk about the emotions behind them.

Back on the wagon

Let’s go back, shall we?

pre-op 11/29/2011 260 pounds

 

This is how I started this journey. A very enlightening, eye-opening, life changing journey. Along the way, I learned a lot about myself and those around me.

Has it been easy? NO

Has it been worth it? Yes, every minute of it.

Would I do it again? Hell yea!

This journey though is far from over. To be honest, for a while I was acting like it was. I started believing I was done, that I had reached the finish line. That I was “normal”.

What does that even mean?

Anyways, I had to remind myself that I wasn’t done. I have a lot more to do and accomplish. I don’t know what the wake up call was though. Could have been the too small bra…probably.

I just know that I need to get serous again, for me.

Here are today at 175 pounds, looking good, but still not quite at ease. We’ll get there.

What I gained and lost with taking a risk…

I remember the day I went to the doctor and he told me my blood pressure was too high – deathly high. It was not so much a wake up call but a reality check on what my lifestyle was doing to me and my body. At the time of the original diagnosis, gastric bypass was not as advanced. They were still cutting people open and there was little support once you left surgery. Fast forward to 2011, things were MUCH different. There was laparoscopic surgery and a wide support group. There were blogs and recipes and just…so much out there that it made it my head spin. With that, I knew it was time to have the surgery. I wasn’t getting any younger and my body…it was starting to show the strain. So, I took the leap and went to the best bypass surgeon on the west coast. I went to all the classes, did my research and asked all the questions that came to my mind. I needed to be sure that it was the right step for me. I had people in my life who questioned me. They thought it was a cop out, the easy way to get things done. I had people giving me the side eye and whispering under their breaths, telling me about friends who had died or almost died from not eating or eating too much or infection…I had to shut them out. I knew what I was doing and I had the research to back me up. I also knew that it was a risk I needed to take. I couldn’t keep living the life I was in. I needed the change.

I just didn’t realize what I was going to end up paying for this change.

What I gained:

#1– My health. As the weight melted away, my blood pressure dropped, my joints felt better, I could breathe coming up the stairs. Simple things like tying my shoes came easier.

#2 – a sense of relief. Relief that I wasn’t going to stroke out at any moment or wake up with diabetes. Relief that I had broken the cycle of obesity at least a little bit.

#3 – freedom. Not just in my relationship status, but in my whole mentality. I still have habits and things I do that are self-sabotage, but not as bad as before. I am conscious of what I’m doing, how I’m feeling in a moment that would otherwise send me into a tail spin. there is a freedom in not being hostage to my stomach or my emotions. 

What I lost:

#1 – doubt. This is complicated issue, but let me try to break it down. I still have some doubt…all humans do. My doubt is no longer about my weight though. I can’t say that I ever really doubted my self worth, but maybe if I was being realistic about my pride in who I was. Don’t get me wrong…I loved being a big girl. But sometimes under that pride…there was doubt.

#2 – my boobs. Okay…it’s superficial but real. I had breast reduction surgery when I was younger which took me down to a c-cup. Near surgery time, I was back up to a d-cup.  After that…deflation back down to a c-cup…nearly a b-cup. I just…want big boobs again. What is wrong with that?

#3 – my willingness to settle. Once the weight left, so did my complacency with where I was in life. Some people see it as a problem, something to work on. I don’t. Why do I need to be content with mediocrity? What is wrong with not wanting the “same ‘ole same ‘ole”? But this is more than just wanting the better things in life. It’s also about not accepting any one else’s crap. I will not stand for being treated shabbily or sit around while someone walks all over me. I’m nice, but firm.

#4 – my filter. I’m not sure why, but as the weight came off, my desire to please others melted with it. Not really sure of the correlation…perhaps it’s more to do with not wanting to be loud and big…anyone else experienced this?

There are other things that I lost and gained but the things I’ve mentioned above…are the most significant.

tell me…what did you lose/gain by taking the risk?

At ease

So last time we talked, I mentioned being at ease in my new body, trying to live this different life. I’m not going to lie…there are time when I look in the mirror and I’m still shocked at who I see staring back at me. It’s weird at times to see my body thin, my face less round. I still feel like the fat girl. That’s not a bad thing, just an odd thing. I think I get, just a little, the body image mismatch some women have.
There are times, when I’m next to a “skinny” person and I feel…big, cumbersome. there is no other way to explain it. I just feel large and maybe a little aggressive, or dominate.
Its that just the big girl feeling? Thinking that my size is an overwhelming “thing” that can make others feel small?  I didn’t really feel that way before, maybe only occasionally, but these days…all the time.
All this leads me to wonder at what point will I be at ease in my own body again? At what point does the face in the mirror look familiar? Will it ever happen?
This is one of those things that they don’t cover in your pre or post op appointment.
Even though I feel this way at times, I have to acknowledge that I’m more at ease in this body than before. You would think after that long spiel I’m al freaked out still, but I’m not. Honest. Every day,this face feels more at home. This body becomes more my own as I learn to read it better, care for it more. It’s true…4 years later and my body and I are still getting reacquainted. No surprise really, since the change was drastic, dramatic and fast.
I can’t say I’m fully at ease yet, but I’m closer than I was a year, a month, even a day ago.
Tell me…if you're had major weight loss, either thru surgery or anything else…how long did it take you to become at ease?

Has it really been that long?

So today marks 4 years for me. four years post op.

Four years since I had gastric bypass and my whole life just…shifted hard to the right. A lot has changed in that time…some bad…a lot good.

I still don’t like selfie’s. Go figure. I swore that when I lost the weight I’d be more into pictures, buttttttt…not really. Maybe it’s just a me thing or maybe…I still can’t reconcile the image in the mirror with what is still in my brain.

I’ve still to try to run. I keep telling myself that I’m going to do it, but it never works out that way. I just don’t like the thought. I still need to try it though…at least once to cross it off my bucket list. I don’t know though…seems like too much of an effort *lol*

I gained a confidence in myself that some would say bordered on arrogance. I don’t think so though. I know that there are woman who are more beautiful, more confident, more…just more than me. But there is no shame in how I walk or how I carry myself. I don’t know if I had shame before…but I know I didn’t have the same swagger.

I got divorced. Not that it had a lot to do with the bypass…but I think it just pushed the rest of the way over. I wish that it hadn’t gone the way that it had…but it did and I’m okay with it. I learned, dealt and grew from it. Maybe the weight loss helped me overcome the fear of being alone…of thinking that I had to stay where I wasn’t wanted or happy.

Four years and I’m still growing and learning who I am in this new place.

New Reflections

Sometimes, when I look in the mirror, I don’t recognize myself. The face, the body…the attitude. It’s all new but the same.

                     

(A picture before work)

The face though, that’s what gets me. Smaller, more angular than I’ve ever seen. Not a bad thing, just new. Even now, after nearly three years of being on the other side of obese, I still have issues with the new me. Or should I say newly remodeled me. I’m not new, just different. I wouldn’t say issues though, more like coming to grips with who I am and where I’m at with my life.

Shopping has become a new high, my new food replacement so to speak.

Has that happened to you yet?

Seems I've traded one addiction for another. Why is that? A new sense of who I want to be, who I am as well. Is this normal? I need to go back to support group, reconnect with those that went in this journey with me. Maybe then I’d feel less alone of this trip.

Waiting

Seems I’ve been doing a lot of that lately. Waiting for the next chapter in my life to start. waiting to do what I want…waiting for the other person to be ready…waiting for the things I want in life to come to me.

I made plans to be this fabulous woman, outgoing and friendly and gracious. Planned extravagant parties and social activities and going to faraway place.

What the hell happened?

why am I waiting? what exactly am I waiting for? why can’t I go and do what I’ve planned for my life, accomplish all the goals I’ve set for myself, even if I do fail?

I remember in my marriage how I waited, waited for it to end, made plans for the next chapter, waited for the right moment. It never came and I had to make my own way. I remember all the grand plans that I’d made, all the parties I was going to throw and go to, all the plays and shows I wanted to see. All the travel I wanted to do. for some reason…I’m still waiting. waiting for the bills to not be so high, waiting for the right time, waiting…waiting…waiting. Why? What is about life that makes me just wait and plan? I have tons of plans and tons of ideas, but I seem to be stuck in the waiting phase, just looking around at all the other people who are doing what they set out to do. What exactly am I waiting for?

I made myself a promise when my marriage was falling down around me and I was scared and alone. I promised that when I came out the other side, I was going to take the new me and do all the things I’d been promised in my life. travel, shop, dine and party. (not table top dancing, but civilized) It seems that I’ve been a bit lax on that promise, but not again. From today on, I will do all that I said I would and take whatever happens.

Time to start living again.

Confessions

I have to admit something, something that I thought I never would.

I miss my regular sized stomach

Not so much the weight, but the simple joy I had in eating till my plate was clean. I don’t get this feeling often, but something when food looks really good and I’m just staring at it, the old feeling comes back and I wonder at it. More like a sense of nostalgia for the old days.

Do I want to go back to how things used to be? No, especially not since I just bought a sexy bodycon leopard print dress with the back cut out from Charlotte Russe…A place I never stepped foot in. Especially not when I look at my closet and all the slim jeans I have in it.

But in being honest with myself and how I’m living my life now, I have to admit that the feelings does exist.

Does the thought still linger for you? How do you combat it?

Recipe time

I made dinner today and from the raves the boyfriend is giving me, I’m thinking he really liked it. So let me share it with you.

Italian sausage pasta

·         4 Italian sausage links

·         Two medium carrots

·         One celery stalk

·         1 tsp of garlic

·         2 tablespoons of Philadelphia cream cheese

·         A can of diced tomatoes

·         ½ cup of water

·         Salt pepper

·         Whole wheat pasta

Pre-heat a medium skillet on medium heat. Dice up the carrots and celery, and sauté in the pan until they are tender. You can salt the carrots and celery.

While you are doing this, bring a pot of water to a boil. Add the pasta to the water and cook according to the package instructions.

Once the vegetables are tender, break up the Italian sausage into pieces and brown the meat. Once the meat is cooked through, add the can of diced tomatoes, water, salt and pepper to taste. Bring this to a simmer. Once it’s a simmer, add the cream cheese and incorporate into the sauce. Bring back to a simmer and stir occasionally. Taste for seasoning.

Once the pasta is cooked, drain and add to the sauce. Top with Parmesan if wanted

That’s it…enjoy!!!

Untitled #39

Untitled #39 by dirogers featuring a stackable bracelet

Rick Owens fitted long sleeve shirt, $540 / Freaky Nation jacket, $200 / SuperTrash jeans, $68 / Aéropostale ankle booties / Chloé handbag / Stackable bracelet / Chain hoop earrings, $6.40 / American Eagle Outfitters scarve

Just need some milk

Just need some milk by dirogers featuring a gold silver necklace

Thakoon white cotton shirt / Ventcouvert black leather pants / Head Over Heels by Dune black stiletto boots, $79 / Chloé tote bag / Gold silver necklace

Really starting over…

So I thought that by going home, I would start over. Have a fresh new start. I thought wrong. I love my family…that’s not what this is about. It’s about not feeling that I fit in, that maybe…I had taken the wrong turn or taking the wrong fork in the road. That’s the great thing about a strong family. You can do things like that and they won’t punish you for it. They might pout, try to convince you to stay on the same path, but in the end…if you are serious, they will help you backtrack your steps and put you on the right path.

For those of you not in the know, I’m back in CO. I think I've officially decided on making CO the place to start over in. State…not so much but the people…I dig. I think I can make a go of this this time around.

Good times…Good times ahead.

Changes...

Change

What I know about change is this…it happens. All the time. It is the one constant thing in our lives that we can count on to never change. Change for the good, change for the bad…change just for change. It happens and if we are smart, we roll with it. Use it to our advantage to make ourselves better in the long run. We welcome it the way we would welcome a long lost friend, one we haven’t seen in a long time. We let it in the house and offer it something to eat and drink. Make it feel welcome and wanted. We do not push it outside and try to lock the doors. Because we know from experience that Change will just blow the door in and lay everything to waste if we don’t make room for it. That is what I’m trying to do. It’s hard, I know. Hard for those around me to understand what I’m going through and harder still for me to explain it. I just know that I need to do this; I need this change…again. I’ve been through the wringer and I’m still going through it. Maybe I’m not strong right now, but really…are we ever?

True there are times when we are stronger than others, but we not always strong, all the time. I think I’m ready enough to try again, to see if I can do this right this time. Or at least…better than the last time. Make better plans and take better care, treading carefully as I move along the dark, unlit, untraveled path that I’ve chosen. I’m young with no children and relatively single. Relative in that there is no ring on my finger, but still a hold on my heart. I’m excited for this and I wish that I could explain it better than I am. I’m excited this time around to not have a network of family, to not have that tight, ever present net for them to catch me in. I know it’s still there, but there is some room for me to make mistakes, to do what I think is right and not what I think they want me to do. I would never embarrass them or hurt them…but at times I have to do what feels good to me. What makes me dream big dreams. Sitting here, in my parent’s house…I can see that I’m getting too complacent…too relaxed. I don’t like it. I want to roam and see what I can get into, with no to really answer to. Is that a bad thing? Does that make me a bad person? Maybe…I’m not sure but it’s okay if it does. Something else I’ve picked up…an ability to let others be disappointed in me while I figure myself out.

Is it too much to have an adventure? To not want to wait for things to “be right”? If I wait, things will always be difficult, life passing me by while others take the chance to what they feel is right. I want to be in it, to see where life can take me and show me. I’m ready now to mess up, to fall on my face. Because what I know now is that I can get up and brush it…looking fabulous with me afro and keep moving along, wearing the scars like a badge. There is no shame in it…the only is in not trying, in not letting go of the rail. How will I ever know what I am capable of if I keep hanging on, using my family as a crutch to no change?

I’m going to do it, take the leap. Maybe I’ll crash and burn, maybe I’ll just hand in mid-air for a while. The real plan, the real goal that is on my mind, is to soar. Take to the sky and prove that change is not a bad thing.

Work out

I’ve been on a workout…thing for the past few days. I get up early and either walk or use the Kim K dvd. either way, afterwards, I feel sore but better. Damn it! I do not want to like working out. Ah well…time to grow up I guess. But seriously, I feel better after a brisk walk or shaking the trembles out of my arms so I guess…people do have a point. I think I since I took jogging off the table, I feel better about my workouts. I was going to push myself to jog, but I realized that it just was not me and why beat myself up over it.

Now…if I could just find a playlist, I would be set. Any ideas on good walking tunes that will keep the pace brisk? I’m open to all kinds of genres as long as the beat is fast and hard.