Changes...

Change

What I know about change is this…it happens. All the time. It is the one constant thing in our lives that we can count on to never change. Change for the good, change for the bad…change just for change. It happens and if we are smart, we roll with it. Use it to our advantage to make ourselves better in the long run. We welcome it the way we would welcome a long lost friend, one we haven’t seen in a long time. We let it in the house and offer it something to eat and drink. Make it feel welcome and wanted. We do not push it outside and try to lock the doors. Because we know from experience that Change will just blow the door in and lay everything to waste if we don’t make room for it. That is what I’m trying to do. It’s hard, I know. Hard for those around me to understand what I’m going through and harder still for me to explain it. I just know that I need to do this; I need this change…again. I’ve been through the wringer and I’m still going through it. Maybe I’m not strong right now, but really…are we ever?

True there are times when we are stronger than others, but we not always strong, all the time. I think I’m ready enough to try again, to see if I can do this right this time. Or at least…better than the last time. Make better plans and take better care, treading carefully as I move along the dark, unlit, untraveled path that I’ve chosen. I’m young with no children and relatively single. Relative in that there is no ring on my finger, but still a hold on my heart. I’m excited for this and I wish that I could explain it better than I am. I’m excited this time around to not have a network of family, to not have that tight, ever present net for them to catch me in. I know it’s still there, but there is some room for me to make mistakes, to do what I think is right and not what I think they want me to do. I would never embarrass them or hurt them…but at times I have to do what feels good to me. What makes me dream big dreams. Sitting here, in my parent’s house…I can see that I’m getting too complacent…too relaxed. I don’t like it. I want to roam and see what I can get into, with no to really answer to. Is that a bad thing? Does that make me a bad person? Maybe…I’m not sure but it’s okay if it does. Something else I’ve picked up…an ability to let others be disappointed in me while I figure myself out.

Is it too much to have an adventure? To not want to wait for things to “be right”? If I wait, things will always be difficult, life passing me by while others take the chance to what they feel is right. I want to be in it, to see where life can take me and show me. I’m ready now to mess up, to fall on my face. Because what I know now is that I can get up and brush it…looking fabulous with me afro and keep moving along, wearing the scars like a badge. There is no shame in it…the only is in not trying, in not letting go of the rail. How will I ever know what I am capable of if I keep hanging on, using my family as a crutch to no change?

I’m going to do it, take the leap. Maybe I’ll crash and burn, maybe I’ll just hand in mid-air for a while. The real plan, the real goal that is on my mind, is to soar. Take to the sky and prove that change is not a bad thing.