At ease

So last time we talked, I mentioned being at ease in my new body, trying to live this different life. I’m not going to lie…there are time when I look in the mirror and I’m still shocked at who I see staring back at me. It’s weird at times to see my body thin, my face less round. I still feel like the fat girl. That’s not a bad thing, just an odd thing. I think I get, just a little, the body image mismatch some women have.
There are times, when I’m next to a “skinny” person and I feel…big, cumbersome. there is no other way to explain it. I just feel large and maybe a little aggressive, or dominate.
Its that just the big girl feeling? Thinking that my size is an overwhelming “thing” that can make others feel small?  I didn’t really feel that way before, maybe only occasionally, but these days…all the time.
All this leads me to wonder at what point will I be at ease in my own body again? At what point does the face in the mirror look familiar? Will it ever happen?
This is one of those things that they don’t cover in your pre or post op appointment.
Even though I feel this way at times, I have to acknowledge that I’m more at ease in this body than before. You would think after that long spiel I’m al freaked out still, but I’m not. Honest. Every day,this face feels more at home. This body becomes more my own as I learn to read it better, care for it more. It’s true…4 years later and my body and I are still getting reacquainted. No surprise really, since the change was drastic, dramatic and fast.
I can’t say I’m fully at ease yet, but I’m closer than I was a year, a month, even a day ago.
Tell me…if you're had major weight loss, either thru surgery or anything else…how long did it take you to become at ease?

Has it really been that long?

So today marks 4 years for me. four years post op.

Four years since I had gastric bypass and my whole life just…shifted hard to the right. A lot has changed in that time…some bad…a lot good.

I still don’t like selfie’s. Go figure. I swore that when I lost the weight I’d be more into pictures, buttttttt…not really. Maybe it’s just a me thing or maybe…I still can’t reconcile the image in the mirror with what is still in my brain.

I’ve still to try to run. I keep telling myself that I’m going to do it, but it never works out that way. I just don’t like the thought. I still need to try it though…at least once to cross it off my bucket list. I don’t know though…seems like too much of an effort *lol*

I gained a confidence in myself that some would say bordered on arrogance. I don’t think so though. I know that there are woman who are more beautiful, more confident, more…just more than me. But there is no shame in how I walk or how I carry myself. I don’t know if I had shame before…but I know I didn’t have the same swagger.

I got divorced. Not that it had a lot to do with the bypass…but I think it just pushed the rest of the way over. I wish that it hadn’t gone the way that it had…but it did and I’m okay with it. I learned, dealt and grew from it. Maybe the weight loss helped me overcome the fear of being alone…of thinking that I had to stay where I wasn’t wanted or happy.

Four years and I’m still growing and learning who I am in this new place.

New Reflections

Sometimes, when I look in the mirror, I don’t recognize myself. The face, the body…the attitude. It’s all new but the same.

                     

(A picture before work)

The face though, that’s what gets me. Smaller, more angular than I’ve ever seen. Not a bad thing, just new. Even now, after nearly three years of being on the other side of obese, I still have issues with the new me. Or should I say newly remodeled me. I’m not new, just different. I wouldn’t say issues though, more like coming to grips with who I am and where I’m at with my life.

Shopping has become a new high, my new food replacement so to speak.

Has that happened to you yet?

Seems I've traded one addiction for another. Why is that? A new sense of who I want to be, who I am as well. Is this normal? I need to go back to support group, reconnect with those that went in this journey with me. Maybe then I’d feel less alone of this trip.

Waiting

Seems I’ve been doing a lot of that lately. Waiting for the next chapter in my life to start. waiting to do what I want…waiting for the other person to be ready…waiting for the things I want in life to come to me.

I made plans to be this fabulous woman, outgoing and friendly and gracious. Planned extravagant parties and social activities and going to faraway place.

What the hell happened?

why am I waiting? what exactly am I waiting for? why can’t I go and do what I’ve planned for my life, accomplish all the goals I’ve set for myself, even if I do fail?

I remember in my marriage how I waited, waited for it to end, made plans for the next chapter, waited for the right moment. It never came and I had to make my own way. I remember all the grand plans that I’d made, all the parties I was going to throw and go to, all the plays and shows I wanted to see. All the travel I wanted to do. for some reason…I’m still waiting. waiting for the bills to not be so high, waiting for the right time, waiting…waiting…waiting. Why? What is about life that makes me just wait and plan? I have tons of plans and tons of ideas, but I seem to be stuck in the waiting phase, just looking around at all the other people who are doing what they set out to do. What exactly am I waiting for?

I made myself a promise when my marriage was falling down around me and I was scared and alone. I promised that when I came out the other side, I was going to take the new me and do all the things I’d been promised in my life. travel, shop, dine and party. (not table top dancing, but civilized) It seems that I’ve been a bit lax on that promise, but not again. From today on, I will do all that I said I would and take whatever happens.

Time to start living again.

Confessions

I have to admit something, something that I thought I never would.

I miss my regular sized stomach

Not so much the weight, but the simple joy I had in eating till my plate was clean. I don’t get this feeling often, but something when food looks really good and I’m just staring at it, the old feeling comes back and I wonder at it. More like a sense of nostalgia for the old days.

Do I want to go back to how things used to be? No, especially not since I just bought a sexy bodycon leopard print dress with the back cut out from Charlotte Russe…A place I never stepped foot in. Especially not when I look at my closet and all the slim jeans I have in it.

But in being honest with myself and how I’m living my life now, I have to admit that the feelings does exist.

Does the thought still linger for you? How do you combat it?

Recipe time

I made dinner today and from the raves the boyfriend is giving me, I’m thinking he really liked it. So let me share it with you.

Italian sausage pasta

·         4 Italian sausage links

·         Two medium carrots

·         One celery stalk

·         1 tsp of garlic

·         2 tablespoons of Philadelphia cream cheese

·         A can of diced tomatoes

·         ½ cup of water

·         Salt pepper

·         Whole wheat pasta

Pre-heat a medium skillet on medium heat. Dice up the carrots and celery, and sauté in the pan until they are tender. You can salt the carrots and celery.

While you are doing this, bring a pot of water to a boil. Add the pasta to the water and cook according to the package instructions.

Once the vegetables are tender, break up the Italian sausage into pieces and brown the meat. Once the meat is cooked through, add the can of diced tomatoes, water, salt and pepper to taste. Bring this to a simmer. Once it’s a simmer, add the cream cheese and incorporate into the sauce. Bring back to a simmer and stir occasionally. Taste for seasoning.

Once the pasta is cooked, drain and add to the sauce. Top with Parmesan if wanted

That’s it…enjoy!!!

Untitled #39

Untitled #39 by dirogers featuring a stackable bracelet

Rick Owens fitted long sleeve shirt, $540 / Freaky Nation jacket, $200 / SuperTrash jeans, $68 / Aéropostale ankle booties / Chloé handbag / Stackable bracelet / Chain hoop earrings, $6.40 / American Eagle Outfitters scarve