Purging…never felt so good

Yesterday, I went through everything in my closet and gave it all away. Well, it’s still in the house, but it’s gone from the closet. feels like another life looking at that box, another person leaving the house and I’m left behind. I don’t how it feels so good, but it does. Packing up all that baggage, all those old dreams I used to have and making room for the new ones…very good breathing now. I even managed to redo my office, hoping that opening it up will allow positive energy to flow in, help me make this a success. We’ll see in the upcoming months, but I think this is a good start to everything I have planned.

So we r sittin @ black eyed pea havin lunch and it's pretty good. I ordered the meatloaf and though the portion size is HUGE, I still put a bit of a dent in it. Eating out seems to have gotten easier as the stomach has gotten bigger, which is good. I still beed to b careful on what I eat, but its not so bad.
So black eyed pea is on the list to eat @ .

Something in the air

I seem to be a bundle of energy lately. So much on my mind, so many plans I feel as if I have AHDH, if that’s what it’s like. I’m focused, but still find myself jumping from thing to thing, never enough time to get it all done. Tires me out thinking about it.

Today I went shopping and I must say…I felt good going through the stores and buying larges and xl, instead of 2xl’s or even 3xl’s as I had been. Felt very good to try stuff on, be excited about the prospect of something new. Not that I wasn’t before, but now…it’s different. Better somehow. I liked being able to wear what’s current and trendy, rather than what other’s think I should be wearing as a big girl. I just feel…lighter. As if I can accomplish all the goals that I have set for me. I don’t know if I felt that way before. I might have, but I don’t think it was this strong. I just feel good.

The shopping trip was also an eye opener, mostly about how I’m starting to view my friends and the life I’ve been living. I can’t say it was all that fun before, mostly doing what I felt I had to. Now, I want more. I want to be freer than I ever have been before, but I find myself being held back by others. Other’s that don’t get how I’ve changed and not just the weight.

I realize for some, that weight is nothing. Must be nice. For me, it was both nothing and everything to my way of thinking. Looking back, I found that I used to hold onto things, almost like a hoarder. Not as bad, but the mentality was there. I don’t know why or how, but letting go of some things used to freak me out. Now, that I’m almost at goal weight, I look around this apartment and I want to toss it all. Start new and begin again. A spring cleaning of both home and life. I don’t want to keep hanging on to things that are not going to be good for me, help me succeed. I can see now, why people who have had gastric lose so many people in their life. They start to look at things differently, start to see the world around them in a whole new light and it’s not the same. they are eternally different, changed on a level that other’s just don’t get if they aren’t in the club.

Pizza

I mentioned earlier that I wanted pizza. Benn craving it really and how hard it was to find something a good one. Someone mentioned, though I think it came from a cookbook, about using a whole wheat thin crust to make pizza. finding no harm in it, I bought a crust and took it home. Following the recipe that I found in a weight watchers magazine, I set out to create a pizza that was low in carbs, but high in taste.

This was my creation and I have to say it was pretty good. Artichokes, spinach and a light pizza sauce had the house smelling delicious. I started small, knowing that my stomach wouldn’t be able to hand it completely.

As good as it was…I still couldn’t keep it down. I can eat thin crust from pizza hut and dominos and any Italian joint worth it’s weight, but trying to eat thin crust wheat just does not work. the other pizza did the same thing and it leaves me wondering what I can do. I don’t really want to order out pizza all the time, since I don’t know what’s in it really and it’s hard to keep track. At least home made pizza is better for me, but how can I do it if I can’t keep it down?

So emotional…

these past few months have been hard on me, I have to admit. I don’t let anyone really know how hard, but it’s a struggle. Mostly it has to do with my emotions and how out of control I feel lately. The dr.’s keep telling me that it’s all the weight loss and it should even out soon enough, but I’m not so sure. I feel very angry towards everyone, anyone really. At times, I find it hard to control my emotions, wanting to lash out at everyone. I’ve never liked working retail and over the past few years, it’s turned into a sick kind of hatred. That I could deal with, cuz a small part of me still cared. That part of me is gone, VERY gone. Now, it’s all I can do to get up in the morning and not scream in anger at the thought of my ridiculous job. Most of the people there I like, but now…I can’t really stand them. Has nothing to do with them…mostly. It’s really me and my inability to tolerate them anymore. It’s not just the job though….I can fly off the handle at anything these days, screaming and yelling at the top of my lungs. A few minutes later and I’m okay.

Is this what going crazy is like? God I hope not!

I know that I need to see a therapist, I know that. Because there is something else going on other than the weight loss.

It’s weird, but I’m hungry. I mean…I can till I’m full and then like bad Chinese food that runs through you, I’m hungry again an hour later. What the hell is that? I drink first to make sure it’s not that I’m thirsty, but when the feeling doesn’t go away, I know it’s hunger. My husband thinks I’m not getting enough to eat when I am eating, not eating the good stuff. He might be right. It just seems pointless to make a meal and I’m only going to eat half a cup. I know that I can eat it later, but the microwave and I don’t always get along, especially when it comes to meat. YUCH!

I think I’m going to call my dr. tomorrow and see what Snyder says. It could be something in my mind or maybe it’s a deficiency and I need to correct it. Whatever it is, I gotta get to the bottom of it…soon.

Chinese fake out

A few days ago, I was flipping through the cookbook that my BF’s sister gave me for Christmas, Now Eat This! by Rocco Dispirito and I decided to try the recipe for Almost General Tso’s chicken. I’ve been craving Chinese food for a while now, but it’s a risky thing to order out when you’re not really sure what’s in the food. At the risk of dumping or having other issues, I’ve been avoiding it for a while. With this recipe under my arm, I decided to see what I could do.

Menu:

Almost General Tso’s chicken

Fried noodles

It’s a bit labor intensive, with cooking the chicken separately and then adding it to the sauce, but in the end…so worth it. I had a few pieces, along with a bit of the fried noodles I invented and all was happy. At first. Then, after letting it sit for a while, I realized it was too much for me. I had to hit the restroom and stay there. I filled me up too much and I paid for it. Also, I think the spice from the chili garlic sauce did me in as well. I don’t seem to be able to handle spice as well anymore. I can do pepper, but if it’s anything other than that…it’s not sitting well for me. DAMN IT!

Still, I think that if I ate less or waited until my stomach is a bit bigger, I could handle it. The noodles were good and I could do them again, only with some protein in them like grilled chicken or perhaps some ground pork or beef.

Mood swings

Let’s talk about something that nobody wants to discuss in connection with gastric bypass. Mood swings. BAD ONES

I’m not talking about the ones where you feel a little down and then laugh and you feel better. I’m talking about serious, medication needing, don’t look at me funny or I’ll kill you mood swings.

Now the nurse told me AFTER surgery about the hormone surges and I thought “I can handle it.”

Uh…no

Most days, I’m okay. I manage to keep my emotions in check and don’t attack people. I can laugh and joke and it’s mostly okay. I still find it hard to pretend to care, but I think I’m doing a good job of faking it. Other days, usually when I’m at work, I find myself more angry and ready to just…*POW* I don’t know what it is. I want to hurt people, I want to attack them, make them leave me alone any way that I can. Sometimes, I fade out, thinking of different ways to attack people and see them cry. I can’t say that before the surgery I wasn’t this, because I was, only it wasn’t so scary and EVERYDAY. It might be work, but I think it’s more than that. I know I need to make an appointment with my PCP and see what they say. The nurse from support group made the comment that as long as I’m not on birth control, the extra estrogen released is easier to handle.

OH shit…wish someone had told me that before I got back on B.C.

Some days, it’s good. I’m not a menace and I can actually laugh. Other days…I just have to grit and bear it. I don’t know though how much more I can handle this. Spending time outside the house is a chore, unless it’s shopping. That makes me happy, but only so much. I still have to deal with other people who just don’t seem to get it.

I’m not sure if this a type of depression, or some kind of steroid rage that I’m not going to be able to control. We’ll just have to see the Dr. and see what he says.