So emotional…

these past few months have been hard on me, I have to admit. I don’t let anyone really know how hard, but it’s a struggle. Mostly it has to do with my emotions and how out of control I feel lately. The dr.’s keep telling me that it’s all the weight loss and it should even out soon enough, but I’m not so sure. I feel very angry towards everyone, anyone really. At times, I find it hard to control my emotions, wanting to lash out at everyone. I’ve never liked working retail and over the past few years, it’s turned into a sick kind of hatred. That I could deal with, cuz a small part of me still cared. That part of me is gone, VERY gone. Now, it’s all I can do to get up in the morning and not scream in anger at the thought of my ridiculous job. Most of the people there I like, but now…I can’t really stand them. Has nothing to do with them…mostly. It’s really me and my inability to tolerate them anymore. It’s not just the job though….I can fly off the handle at anything these days, screaming and yelling at the top of my lungs. A few minutes later and I’m okay.

Is this what going crazy is like? God I hope not!

I know that I need to see a therapist, I know that. Because there is something else going on other than the weight loss.

It’s weird, but I’m hungry. I mean…I can till I’m full and then like bad Chinese food that runs through you, I’m hungry again an hour later. What the hell is that? I drink first to make sure it’s not that I’m thirsty, but when the feeling doesn’t go away, I know it’s hunger. My husband thinks I’m not getting enough to eat when I am eating, not eating the good stuff. He might be right. It just seems pointless to make a meal and I’m only going to eat half a cup. I know that I can eat it later, but the microwave and I don’t always get along, especially when it comes to meat. YUCH!

I think I’m going to call my dr. tomorrow and see what Snyder says. It could be something in my mind or maybe it’s a deficiency and I need to correct it. Whatever it is, I gotta get to the bottom of it…soon.

Mood swings

Let’s talk about something that nobody wants to discuss in connection with gastric bypass. Mood swings. BAD ONES

I’m not talking about the ones where you feel a little down and then laugh and you feel better. I’m talking about serious, medication needing, don’t look at me funny or I’ll kill you mood swings.

Now the nurse told me AFTER surgery about the hormone surges and I thought “I can handle it.”

Uh…no

Most days, I’m okay. I manage to keep my emotions in check and don’t attack people. I can laugh and joke and it’s mostly okay. I still find it hard to pretend to care, but I think I’m doing a good job of faking it. Other days, usually when I’m at work, I find myself more angry and ready to just…*POW* I don’t know what it is. I want to hurt people, I want to attack them, make them leave me alone any way that I can. Sometimes, I fade out, thinking of different ways to attack people and see them cry. I can’t say that before the surgery I wasn’t this, because I was, only it wasn’t so scary and EVERYDAY. It might be work, but I think it’s more than that. I know I need to make an appointment with my PCP and see what they say. The nurse from support group made the comment that as long as I’m not on birth control, the extra estrogen released is easier to handle.

OH shit…wish someone had told me that before I got back on B.C.

Some days, it’s good. I’m not a menace and I can actually laugh. Other days…I just have to grit and bear it. I don’t know though how much more I can handle this. Spending time outside the house is a chore, unless it’s shopping. That makes me happy, but only so much. I still have to deal with other people who just don’t seem to get it.

I’m not sure if this a type of depression, or some kind of steroid rage that I’m not going to be able to control. We’ll just have to see the Dr. and see what he says.