New Reflections

Sometimes, when I look in the mirror, I don’t recognize myself. The face, the body…the attitude. It’s all new but the same.

                     

(A picture before work)

The face though, that’s what gets me. Smaller, more angular than I’ve ever seen. Not a bad thing, just new. Even now, after nearly three years of being on the other side of obese, I still have issues with the new me. Or should I say newly remodeled me. I’m not new, just different. I wouldn’t say issues though, more like coming to grips with who I am and where I’m at with my life.

Shopping has become a new high, my new food replacement so to speak.

Has that happened to you yet?

Seems I've traded one addiction for another. Why is that? A new sense of who I want to be, who I am as well. Is this normal? I need to go back to support group, reconnect with those that went in this journey with me. Maybe then I’d feel less alone of this trip.

Waiting

Seems I’ve been doing a lot of that lately. Waiting for the next chapter in my life to start. waiting to do what I want…waiting for the other person to be ready…waiting for the things I want in life to come to me.

I made plans to be this fabulous woman, outgoing and friendly and gracious. Planned extravagant parties and social activities and going to faraway place.

What the hell happened?

why am I waiting? what exactly am I waiting for? why can’t I go and do what I’ve planned for my life, accomplish all the goals I’ve set for myself, even if I do fail?

I remember in my marriage how I waited, waited for it to end, made plans for the next chapter, waited for the right moment. It never came and I had to make my own way. I remember all the grand plans that I’d made, all the parties I was going to throw and go to, all the plays and shows I wanted to see. All the travel I wanted to do. for some reason…I’m still waiting. waiting for the bills to not be so high, waiting for the right time, waiting…waiting…waiting. Why? What is about life that makes me just wait and plan? I have tons of plans and tons of ideas, but I seem to be stuck in the waiting phase, just looking around at all the other people who are doing what they set out to do. What exactly am I waiting for?

I made myself a promise when my marriage was falling down around me and I was scared and alone. I promised that when I came out the other side, I was going to take the new me and do all the things I’d been promised in my life. travel, shop, dine and party. (not table top dancing, but civilized) It seems that I’ve been a bit lax on that promise, but not again. From today on, I will do all that I said I would and take whatever happens.

Time to start living again.

Confessions

I have to admit something, something that I thought I never would.

I miss my regular sized stomach

Not so much the weight, but the simple joy I had in eating till my plate was clean. I don’t get this feeling often, but something when food looks really good and I’m just staring at it, the old feeling comes back and I wonder at it. More like a sense of nostalgia for the old days.

Do I want to go back to how things used to be? No, especially not since I just bought a sexy bodycon leopard print dress with the back cut out from Charlotte Russe…A place I never stepped foot in. Especially not when I look at my closet and all the slim jeans I have in it.

But in being honest with myself and how I’m living my life now, I have to admit that the feelings does exist.

Does the thought still linger for you? How do you combat it?

Recipe time

I made dinner today and from the raves the boyfriend is giving me, I’m thinking he really liked it. So let me share it with you.

Italian sausage pasta

·         4 Italian sausage links

·         Two medium carrots

·         One celery stalk

·         1 tsp of garlic

·         2 tablespoons of Philadelphia cream cheese

·         A can of diced tomatoes

·         ½ cup of water

·         Salt pepper

·         Whole wheat pasta

Pre-heat a medium skillet on medium heat. Dice up the carrots and celery, and sauté in the pan until they are tender. You can salt the carrots and celery.

While you are doing this, bring a pot of water to a boil. Add the pasta to the water and cook according to the package instructions.

Once the vegetables are tender, break up the Italian sausage into pieces and brown the meat. Once the meat is cooked through, add the can of diced tomatoes, water, salt and pepper to taste. Bring this to a simmer. Once it’s a simmer, add the cream cheese and incorporate into the sauce. Bring back to a simmer and stir occasionally. Taste for seasoning.

Once the pasta is cooked, drain and add to the sauce. Top with Parmesan if wanted

That’s it…enjoy!!!

Untitled #39

Untitled #39 by dirogers featuring a stackable bracelet

Rick Owens fitted long sleeve shirt, $540 / Freaky Nation jacket, $200 / SuperTrash jeans, $68 / Aéropostale ankle booties / Chloé handbag / Stackable bracelet / Chain hoop earrings, $6.40 / American Eagle Outfitters scarve

Just need some milk

Just need some milk by dirogers featuring a gold silver necklace

Thakoon white cotton shirt / Ventcouvert black leather pants / Head Over Heels by Dune black stiletto boots, $79 / Chloé tote bag / Gold silver necklace

Really starting over…

So I thought that by going home, I would start over. Have a fresh new start. I thought wrong. I love my family…that’s not what this is about. It’s about not feeling that I fit in, that maybe…I had taken the wrong turn or taking the wrong fork in the road. That’s the great thing about a strong family. You can do things like that and they won’t punish you for it. They might pout, try to convince you to stay on the same path, but in the end…if you are serious, they will help you backtrack your steps and put you on the right path.

For those of you not in the know, I’m back in CO. I think I've officially decided on making CO the place to start over in. State…not so much but the people…I dig. I think I can make a go of this this time around.

Good times…Good times ahead.

Changes...

Change

What I know about change is this…it happens. All the time. It is the one constant thing in our lives that we can count on to never change. Change for the good, change for the bad…change just for change. It happens and if we are smart, we roll with it. Use it to our advantage to make ourselves better in the long run. We welcome it the way we would welcome a long lost friend, one we haven’t seen in a long time. We let it in the house and offer it something to eat and drink. Make it feel welcome and wanted. We do not push it outside and try to lock the doors. Because we know from experience that Change will just blow the door in and lay everything to waste if we don’t make room for it. That is what I’m trying to do. It’s hard, I know. Hard for those around me to understand what I’m going through and harder still for me to explain it. I just know that I need to do this; I need this change…again. I’ve been through the wringer and I’m still going through it. Maybe I’m not strong right now, but really…are we ever?

True there are times when we are stronger than others, but we not always strong, all the time. I think I’m ready enough to try again, to see if I can do this right this time. Or at least…better than the last time. Make better plans and take better care, treading carefully as I move along the dark, unlit, untraveled path that I’ve chosen. I’m young with no children and relatively single. Relative in that there is no ring on my finger, but still a hold on my heart. I’m excited for this and I wish that I could explain it better than I am. I’m excited this time around to not have a network of family, to not have that tight, ever present net for them to catch me in. I know it’s still there, but there is some room for me to make mistakes, to do what I think is right and not what I think they want me to do. I would never embarrass them or hurt them…but at times I have to do what feels good to me. What makes me dream big dreams. Sitting here, in my parent’s house…I can see that I’m getting too complacent…too relaxed. I don’t like it. I want to roam and see what I can get into, with no to really answer to. Is that a bad thing? Does that make me a bad person? Maybe…I’m not sure but it’s okay if it does. Something else I’ve picked up…an ability to let others be disappointed in me while I figure myself out.

Is it too much to have an adventure? To not want to wait for things to “be right”? If I wait, things will always be difficult, life passing me by while others take the chance to what they feel is right. I want to be in it, to see where life can take me and show me. I’m ready now to mess up, to fall on my face. Because what I know now is that I can get up and brush it…looking fabulous with me afro and keep moving along, wearing the scars like a badge. There is no shame in it…the only is in not trying, in not letting go of the rail. How will I ever know what I am capable of if I keep hanging on, using my family as a crutch to no change?

I’m going to do it, take the leap. Maybe I’ll crash and burn, maybe I’ll just hand in mid-air for a while. The real plan, the real goal that is on my mind, is to soar. Take to the sky and prove that change is not a bad thing.

Work out

I’ve been on a workout…thing for the past few days. I get up early and either walk or use the Kim K dvd. either way, afterwards, I feel sore but better. Damn it! I do not want to like working out. Ah well…time to grow up I guess. But seriously, I feel better after a brisk walk or shaking the trembles out of my arms so I guess…people do have a point. I think I since I took jogging off the table, I feel better about my workouts. I was going to push myself to jog, but I realized that it just was not me and why beat myself up over it.

Now…if I could just find a playlist, I would be set. Any ideas on good walking tunes that will keep the pace brisk? I’m open to all kinds of genres as long as the beat is fast and hard.

last of the flashbacks

Really long post cuz i got lazy with the cutting and pasting.

Written in 2010:

Sleep Study

I did the sleep study on 02/17/2010 and I have to tell you…it was nothing. I mean it really was. I went in, changed into my p.j.’s while watching some TV. Then, they stuck all these little electrodes on me and hooked me up to a brain reading machine. I’ve oversimplified, but you get the gist. The only downside was the fact they had to stick the damn things on my head. Now, my braids have this waxy, sticky stuff in that I can’t really get out. Every time I go to scratch my head, I come away with this buildup under my fingernails. Ewwww! Ah well, it was okay. I pretty much slept in one position the whole night, since they’d stuck the sensors to my legs and the tape kept pulling on the hair. (Note to self: shave next time.)

So the tech kept telling me about how she would have to wake me if I stopped breathing or anything like that and put a mask on me. I prayed on that, not wanting to be woken and told that I was going to have to wear a mask. It is not something I like to think about. So imagine my surprise when she woke me at five and said: you don’t qualify. Took me a looooonnnngggg moment to figure out what the hell she was talking about. Oh duh…no mask for me. Very happy about that. Still, I would like to know why I A.) snore, B.) drool, C.) wake with a dry, film covered mouth. Probably TMI, but oh well.

There will be a follow up appt next week where the Dr. and I will discuss the results and what is going on. Gotta say…I’m getting nervous/excited/nauseas about how fast this is going. I know that it’s what’s best for me at this point and that I’m finally taking control of my health. I just sometimes get a little…worried. I’m not sure about what, but there’s something nagging me as I hurdle along this path that I’ve stepped on.

 

Sleep Study follow up

So I had the follow up appt to the sleep study on 02/22. Can’t say that I was too worried, since the tech didn’t have to wake me up and put the mask on, but still, I thought there would be some concerns. Sat down with the Dr. and he read me the results. All good. No issues that needed to be addressed and no obstructions. I think…he was surprised that someone my size would have no breathing problems. I could have told him that, but I stayed silent. Didn’t want to bring up the fact that there are a lot of skinny people with serious breathing problems.

I digress…

So my lungs are good, I didn’t actually snore during the study and I really do achieve REM sleep stage 3/4, which is surprising since I tend to wake up at least 2-3 times per night. I think he thinks I’m making this stuff up, but it’s all real and not in my head.

So, the nurse took my blood pressure before the appt and I have to say…I nearly fell off my seat. 168/111. I could have cried/died. I don’t understand how in the span of a few weeks, my stats go up that much. What am I doing wrong? The worst part is that my regular Dr. has upped the dosage on my med’s. Would be fine, except this stuff makes me feel like I’m drunk when I walk. The first day I tried the dosage, I ran into walls and I could barely hear because of the blood rushing through them. I sat down…everything was good. I really can’t go through life like this. I couldn’t even go to class because I thought I would wreck or fall asleep behind the wheel. Oh…that would have been good.

So, the follow up went well and it appears that I’m on the home stretch for all the evaluations. I’m going to email the Dr. and see what else needs to be done. Gotta get on it.

 

Bariatric Surgery-Dr.’s note

So, after waiting all this time and not getting a response from the surgeon, I finally called to find out what’s going on. The woman in charge of the insurance told me that all she needed was the okay from my dr. I said okay and hung up. One question:

Why the hell didn’t she call me and tell me that…three weeks ago?

I’m annoyed and irritated. This is my health and no one felt the need to call me back? So, I called my Dr and found out the paper they needed he’d put into my folder and filed away. Forgotten all about it. So, once again…

Why?

I feel that I’m going to become that person everyone hates to deal with. I’m going to have to call everyday and find out what’s going on since no one wants to tell me. People! This is my life, my health. Do not sit on it like it’s a damn cushion and think that it’s okay. I can and do get pissy and it’s not a pretty sight.

*sigh*

Another good thing…I realized I’m having an allergic reaction to my med. Not just a little one either. Every time I take the dose, my head itches so bad, I scratch it till it bleeds and then I have scabs. How much better could it get than that?

 

Dr. Appt

So, after moving to the new area I made the decision to go to the dr. Just really a check up and a way to get to know the person who’s going to be sticking me with needles and giving me my pap smear when the time comes. You know, you don’t really want a stranger down there, you want to at least know their first name.

I get there, they take my BP. I know it’s going to be high. I have not been taking my med for at least two months and I have not been taking care of myself either. Between the move and stressing out about living with someone I don’t love, it’s been a rough patch to say the least.

Back to the BP…

The nurse takes it first. She looks at me all freaked out and goes “This is really high.” I nod. I know it’s high, just not how high. I’m not concerned though. I never really am. Mean bitches like me don’t die of heart attacks. We die from stupid shit like the flu or food poisoning, something that could be helped easily. She looks at me again and goes “I mean really high!” Yes, I got that. Let’s move on to the something I don’t know, like how to win the lottery.

Dr comes in later. We discuss my meds and what I’m taking. He’s shocked that my other Dr from VA has been giving me the meds I’m on, when there are other BP meds that are more effective with less side effects. So I am now that he’s telling me what’s out there. I’m a little peeved, but that’s water under the bridge. He prescribes some different meds with less side effects and better able to control the sky high BP that I now have. He takes my BP one last time and I finally know what’s wrong.

180/120…did you just gasp? I didn’t. Not at all. My eyes just kinda got big, but that was it. I knew it was high, so I can’t pretend to be all crazy about it now. What’s worse is that it was higher when the nurse took it before he came in. Grrreeeaaatttt…

He was more surprised that I didn’t have complications from the BP, like shortness of breath, a clogged chest or lungs or even that my heart seemed to sound fine. Like I said…bitches like me don’t just keel over due to a heart attack. We get hit by busses on a first date or so

 

Bariatric seminar

I’m going to another seminar for bariatric surgery. I’ve already gone to one, but the Dr. here requires that I go to this one before he'll look at me. That’s fine with me. I’m taking my husband with me this time, so he can get a clearer picture of what he has in store for him when I do this. I can’t say if I’m excited or not. I think I just want something to change and be different. Right now.

Once I get done with the seminar, I’m going to make an appt. with Dr. Snyder and see where to go from here. That might get my blood pumping.

 

Bariatric Seminar redux:

I went to the seminar…again. Found the same information I had heard in the other series, only this time I got to sit through testimonials. Can’t say that I wanted to sit through that, but I did. Not that I’m not happy everyone else is happy, but I don’t really care. Sounds harsh and it is. I was there for me and my information. I could listen to them after I have the surgery or maybe in a support group once I’ve a date set. Not when I’m trying to make an appointment to see the dr.

Dr. Snyder was just what I expected, which is not quite a good thing. I know that this will come back to haunt me, but he was a little too arrogant for me. I wish that I had stayed in VA and had the surgery there. I like the Dr and the staff at the office. They seemed to get me and to be better on the ball than this office here. I don’t know if it will be like that everywhere either. I should find some other seminars to go to, but this dr. comes highly recommended and has great referrals. Isn’t that all that matters? I’m going to wait until I have my consultation and then make a decision. It could just be me comparing him to someone else when I should be using different standards.

So, my consultation is July 9. We shall see then.

 

Bariatric Surgery-Consultation

I am having yet another bariatric consultation. Since moving, I’ve had to get all new dr.’s which is fine. I just hope that I don’t have to go through all the other steps again. I’m just not in the mood and I don’t know how the insurance is going to take it. They might say hell no! I don’t have any questions or concerns at this point, so I’m thinking that the consultation is going to be pretty short; Just a get to know me, though I will probably see more of your staff than you kind of thing. I’m still not sure how I feel about the dr. though. He seemed a bit…over confident, but that could just be me. I don’t really know. I’ll have to remember to take my journal with me so that I can write down any notes or observations.

I must admit, I’m eager again. For a while, I thought that I wouldn’t want to do. That I was happy with the weight now that my med’s have been changed. But…I’m back on the wagon again. I want this. I want my life to be different and this a step in the direction. It’s going to be a huge change, something that I’ll have to deal with for a long time, but I can do that. It might even change my whole thought process. Who knows?

I just know that I don’t want any more ‘helpful’ advice. People telling me all the horror stories about their friends and how bad it went for them. Thanks, but I know the dangers of any surgery. I do have the scare to prove it. I’ve done the research and have thought on this for 2-3 years. I don’t need any more thoughts from the peanut gallery. I know the risks and I feel that they are far outweighed by the benefits. Keep your thoughts to yourself.

 

Bariatric surgery-consultation update:

Went to the consultation. I now find myself back at square one. I will have to redo the tests and go through the motions once more. This is slightly fine, since I know what I’m doing this time around. Most of the appointments are in august, so hopefully this will all be done by Sept. The insurance coordinator asked me my timeline and I told her between Sept and Nov. I’d like to be done by the end of the year, maybe sooner. The rest of this year is meant to get me ready for my countdown, which starts Jan 1. I’m excited…again.

So, I’ve made the appt. for the dietician, the pulmonary and for blood to be drawn. All I need is the psych evaluation and I’m ready to go. Got my fingers crossed this goes all the way this time.

 

Bariatric surgery-test and evaluations

So, I had the pulmonary tests…again. Though this time there was no sleep study, which makes me very happy. I even got a copy of my results to take with me, maybe frame and look at. I don’t really have any excitement yet about what’s going on. I mean, I got farther in Virginia, so how happy can I get? Right now, I feel resigned but I’m sure as the time gets closer, I’ll be happy. I keep thinking about not taking the pills, being able to get up the stairs without breathing heavy or having to take breaks. I’m most excited about a new wardrobe, but that’s farther down on the list of things that I think about.

I’ll probably be telling my parents soon that I’m actually going through with it, but I think I want to wait for a surgery date before I say something. I mean, it would be nice if they came in, but it’s not something I expect. They have their own things, so I don’t hold my breath.

I’m starting to get the vibe though that my ‘friends’ are not as happy for me. Maybe one, but the others are looking at me funny when I talk about this, as if I’m leaving them behind. I don’t know what to do about this, or even if I want to. This is my life and I need to live it the best way for me. If I could, I would not have high blood pressure and still be the size I am. I would eat all that I want and not worry about diabetes. I can’t! It’s as a simple as that. My family history tells me that the more weight I put, the more likely I am to have these diseases. I don’t enjoy them. They do nothing for me but rob me of my desire to do things, my energy, and my ambition. This is not about me being skinny or thin or any bullshit like that. It’s about me doing what’s best for me. I know there are risks, but there are more if I don’t do something now. I’d like to think they will support me, but I can feel a wall going up, as if I’m the enemy and I think…I’m okay with it. I’ll do my best to not let it happen, but I can’t say that I have the energy to care much.

I’ve got too many plans to let this bring me down.

 

Bariatric surgery-Nutrition Class

So, this was a first for me. I hadn’t had a chance to go to one in VA, so this had me excited and nervous all at once. Showed up about 10 min late, but I hadn’t missed much. Grabbed a binder and sat down. Got the impression that people were like “what the hell is she doing here. She’s not that big.” Trust me…I am.

So, the class was very informative. The slide show…not so much but the binder has all the answers and that worked for me. I like the dietician, since she was the one that I saw for the consult in the office. The people I met in general were fun and I hope that I can get to know at least some of them. Found out a few things about what I can and can’t eat and I must say…had me thinking two or three times.

Some stuff I already deduced that I couldn’t eat, like white bread and sugar. Other things had me stopping, like no lettuce and no soup or milk? Really? The way she explained it, it will just run right through me and the goal is for me to stay full longer. I get that…but no milk? Lettuce too? I can have spinach or anything that has nutritional value, but iceberg is a no no. Okay...i think. Still, I’m okay with that. I don’t really drink milk, so what’s the big deal. This meal plan is vastly different than what the other office was talking about, but still they kinda mesh. Thanksgiving and Christmas are going to suck!

In the end though, I have made the decision that my life has got to be worth more than a bowl of popcorn or some French fries. I have plans for me and my life and I have to make sacrifices somewhere. I can’t keep living this life forever.

 

Bariatric surgery-Psych Evaluation Part deux

Had to take a step away from the blog for a moment and get ahead in a few things. Didn’t work, but it was worth the effort.

So…

We are still on track for the bariatric surgery. Right now, I’m in the middle of the psych evaluations. I says evaluations because this time, things are bit more in-depth and I didn’t finish the first session. I’m getting personal questions about my family, my home life, my marriage…everything! It’s weird and a little unnerving. I have to go back next week and complete the session and then I’m done. After that, two weeks for them to get the report done and then…another wait on the insurance. I think we’ll probably be looking at mid-Oct at this rate. No biggie…I’m ready and it gives me time to make preparations for after. Very excited and nervous. Looking over the books and all the paperwork is nerve wracking and exhilarating. I’m trying to convince the hubby to go to nutrition classes with me, but even if he doesn’t, then I will.

This time next year…I will be a different person, at least on the outside.

 

Bariatric Surgery-All green lights!


Just got a call from the bariatric coordinator at the dr.’s office. I’ve been giving the green light by my insurance company to go ahead and have the surgery. I’m so excited I can barely breathe. We even have a date set and everything. It’s going to happen this time.

There’s this huge burden lifted off my chest, especially with the whole thing with Uncle E still on my mind and heart. Like I told my BFF…something good when the clouds seem to be so dark.

So, the date for surgery is November 29, at 12 pm. Check-in is at 9 and then off I go. Before surgery I have to do a clear liquid diet and make sure to stay hydrated. Also, no green teas or herbal stuff, since they seem to thin the blood more. I will have to go in for pre-op testing on the 23 and I’ll be sure to check in here and let everyone know what’s going with things.

I also need to keep up with my meds, especially the high blood pressure ones. Don’t want to get in and freak people out with how high I can go and not be dead! *LOL* morbid joke. I’ll have to find time to get another diet class in and maybe a few other classes in as well. I need to be completely prepared for this new life. No half stepping or anything like that.

This is my chance and I’m gonna take it.

Is it okay to say that I’m excited? That I can’t wait until this happens and the next chapter of my life begins for me? I just…I’m elated. Part of this elaborate plan to be me and be free is happening.

 

Bariatric surgery countdown

So, surgery is schedule for the 29th of November. I honestly can’t wait. Just thinking about it makes butterflies in my stomach. I feel that a whole new chapter is starting on my life. Soon, I’m going to be putting up my measurements and some before pictures. I want to document this long journey and I can’t afford to miss a minute of it.

Pre-op appt is scheduled for the 23rd of this month, where they are going to do all the testing and getting me ready. Then thanksgiving, where I am going to pig out like it’s nobody’s business. That whole week as a matter of fact will be glutton week. A time to savor all the foods that I will no longer be consuming.

Fasting will happen on the 28th, with all clear liquids and no food. I can handle that.

My biggest fear is that I’m not going to do well with whole foods thing. Surgery does not worry me so much. I’ve been through two in my life and I’m good at the whole being asleep. I’m at peace with both my life and my God, so if he decides it’s my time then so be it. I won’t fight it unless I need to.

Just thinking about the food and all the aftercare has my head spinning. Really spinning. Will I be able to do it? Will I fail? The surgery is just a tool, I’ll be running the show. I guess I’ll have to really find a support group. I’m sure other’s have gone through this. I’m not alone.

 

I had my pre-op testing the other day and I have to say that it went well.They took some blood, I had an EKG and answered some questions about my basic health. I managed to gain about 10 lbs, which put me at 41 BMI. My BP is up as well, 148/102. Gah!!! And that’s on the pills. It might have something to do with my having glutton week and basically eating everything that I see. The dr. answered my questions, and I felt reassured by the calm.

LOL

Seriously, I’m still nervous as hell. It’s not so much the surgery that gets me. I’ve had to major surgeries and I know mostly what to expect. There’s a certain amount of fear, but that’s the same fear that I have everyday, of things happening. Nothing that I can’t handle. The real fear sets in when I think about what’s going to happen afterwards. I mean…when it comes to the eating and just daily living. Am I going to be okay? I like to think I will, since it will be a learning experience. I just don’t want to fail this. It’s my very last shot as having a somewhat normal life. By normal, I mean no serious health problems or eminent threat of one. I’m a strong woman and I know that I can do this. this fear is normal I know, but it’s still a real fear and I’m doing my best at keeping it in check.

There is still a lot to do in the coming days before surgery, like getting the rest of my vitamins, getting some protein drinks for before surgery, packing my hospital bag, making sure the house is clean before I leave. You know…the usual.

I’m ready though, even if my stomach is churning and my hands sweat at the thought. This is what change is all about. Right?

 

The days are getting so short now when it comes to the surgery. I’m excited and nervous all at the same time. Just had thanksgiving dinner and it was good. But all I could think to myself was “am I going to miss this next year?” I know that I will, but how much will i? Stupid questions it may seem, but my whole life will change within an hour and half lying on the table. I keep telling myself that I’m ready for it, but to be real, I’m not. I’m a bit scared at the prospect of losing all this weight and being someone else when I look in the mirror. Not so much personality, but how other’s perceive me will change. Am I ready to handle that?

The pre-surgery routine has started. part of the doctor’s orders were to start taking a fiber supplement to loosen…things. took my first does about 20 minutes ago and I can see why people do not like taking the supplements. They are gritty and thick and…ugh. By the time I got to the bottom it was like drinking liquid Jell-O and not the good kind. In the next day or so I’m going to have to start taking the laxatives and I can’t wait for that! Seriously, I can. I know it’s for the good of me, but I’m ready for the surgery already…mostly. Still need to do laundry and clean the house so I can not worry about that while I’m recuperating in my bed.

Now, if I could just get a job…my plan would be ready to put into action.

 

Surgery went smoothly if I do say so myself. I’m never as worried about the surgery as others. I feel that if it’s my to go,then it is. I’ll already be asleep so there won’t be any pain. If god’s got a plan, then I gotta leave it to him.

We are now on the other side of surgery, the recovery period and the new path on life. The stiches itch like a SOB and I can’t do anything about it. I mean I could, but then would cause all kinds of issues and no one wants that. I’m still on broth and other clear liquids that the doctor has ordered. Next week is the follow up appointment where we see where I’m at and advance me to the next level of eating. Sounds like some kind of video game, eh?

One of the things I was not expecting was to go home on oxygen. how bummer is that? I now have to lug around that huge tank and stick tubes up my nose. Yay! The supplier is on his way now to give me some new tanks so that I can travel with them I want. I don’t want, but who knows what I’m going to be doing in a few days. For now, I’m essentially bedridden. Not to active, even if I wanted to be, I couldn’t. With the drainage tub and the stiches and all the little holes inside me, I need all the rest I can get. The hospital does not have one of the greatest beds and I’m glad to finally be in own.

From here on out, I need to intake approximately 64 oz. of fluid. Clear, sugar-free liquid, but liquid nonetheless. I gotta say, that Isopure protein drink…gah!

The hubby has been ever so helpful during all this, walking with me, making my dinner, wiping my butt and other things that make it hard to imagine that anyone else would do for me.

I’m now ready for whatever life throws at me.

 

I realized to late that I hadn’t included any kind of stats for how big I am right now, before the surgery starts to take effect.

Weight": 260 w/BMI of 41

left arm: 16 1/2 inches

Right arm: 16 inches 7 1/4

Waist: 46 1/2

hips: 53 1/2

Bust: 42

neck: 16 3/4

wrist: 7 1/4

Ankle: 10 inches

I never realized how big I was until I saw the numbers. that’s okay thought. They’ll be going down soon. I’m already off the BP meds so for that…very happy. Still have the drainage tubes in me and it is slightly uncomfortable. I pretty much stay in bed unless it’s to go the bathroom or walk about the apt complex like the dr. ordered. the husband keeps trying to get me to out with him, but I’m not having. Between the tubes and the oxygen tank, I’m not in the mood.

 

So, we’ve been home since Wednesday and things are getting…odd with my body.

1st: my intestines are grumbling. Not just grumbling, but actually kicking as if I’m pregnant. It is the weirdest thing too. They are so loud, I’m sure everyone can hear them. I’m not sure if it’s gas or what, but I’d like to find out.

2nd: drainage tube. hate this thing with a passion. it’s in the way, it keeps getting snagged on things and I can’t pull my shirt down to save my life. Pants at this point are optional and the only time I put them on is to go walking. With all the tubes and stitches just hanging around…I’d rather stay in bed.

3rd: My vision is acting very wonky. It’s hard for me to read things up close now, the lines getting blurry and it’s hard for me to focus. It could just be the med I’m on, since they are heavy duty narcotics. It would be cool though if as I lost weight, my vision got better. One can only hope.

4th: sleeping sitting up. It’s too hard to get out of bed with my body aching the way it does, so I sit up so I can get in and out with minimal help.

5th: drinking ice cold beverages. HELL NO! that is painful going down and even though the nurse told me not to do it, I still do since these protein drinks are not high on my tasty list.

6th: Last but no least…the protein drinks. They leave much to be desired. I know I need to drink them, but gah…I have to chug them to get them down and that just causes other issues with the body.

So that’s about it for now. If anyone else is considering gastric bypass, shot me a comment or an email. I’ll answer them the best I can.

 

I finally got the drainage tube taken out. Never been so happy in my whole life as when that thing came out. I’m down to 240 now, feeling good. My husband laughs at me as I weigh myself everyday to see the loss. Keeps me motivated. I walk for 30 mins a day, though not all at once. That helps with healing of the stitches. which still give me problems. I’m not keeping up with the protein though, which is a bad thing. I got the powered stuff that’s tasteless, but I can’t remember to put it in any of my food! the dietician is going to have my head. On top of that, the chewable multi-vitamins are DISGUSTING and I can’t take them. I need new ones, but damn I hate to waste money. *sigh*

I’ve got another appt coming up next week, which is when we’ll move up to soft foods. Right now, I’m on soft foods, but a very limited menu of egg whites, refried beans, yogurt, cottage cheese (yuck) and the regular broth and sugar free popsicles.

I can’t wait to be on solid food.

I know I’ll have to take it slow, since I don’t know what I can and can’t eat at this point, but it’s going to so much better than trying to figure out what to snack on when I can only eat refried beans. I’ve got recipes that I want to try out.

I have been sneaking crackers. I know…it’s bad but I just needed the carbs to keep me from going crazy.

Things I’ve learned: I can’t drink lying down. It hurts very much and I can’t take it.

Chew chew chew…I can’t say that enough. If I don’t chew my food to a fine paste, it hurts going down. Not a nice pain either, but a sharp pain like I swallowed something the wrong way.

I think that fiber and laxative’s are going to be my best friends. That’s all I’m going to say on that.

 

So, I’m healing nicely…ish from the surgery. My three week check-up will be on the 22 and I’m looking forward mostly to them telling me that it’s now okay to eat pureed food. I can’t say that I’m looking forward to it, but that at least means that I’m going to be able to eat solid food in a bit. It does freak me out a little bit though, moving on to solids. I seem to having some trouble with the foods that I’m eating now, so I don’t know what’s going to happen when I can actually chew my foods. Refried beans are fine, but my sense of smell is off when it comes to other foods. The other day, the hubby stopped at Wendy’s to get a burger for dinner. The smell of the burgers just…made my stomach turn and I almost couldn’t stand it. The fries were good, didn’t upset my stomach too much and I snuck two. I paid for that later on that night, when my intestines started a riot and I had to lay down for the rest of the evening. Lesson learned: no fried foods. Good, that will save me some calories.

Another weird thing: my belly button smells. I mean…really. Part of it is that there is an incision there and I can’t really scrub it. I can just wash it, but no hard core cleaning like I normally do. So, instead I have to use peroxide and Q-tips to get in there. I don’t want to do too much since it bubbles up BIG time when I do and I think it eats away at the huge scab that is forming. There’s also the warning I got from the nurse when I was in the hospital not to use things like alcohol or peroxide since they might eat away at the glue that was holding the incisions together. The other scabs which are on my stomach and more open to air I can get to and clean up so they don’t smell. Just the belly button. Very upsetting. I can’t wait to take a proper shower with my scrub gloves!

Another thing: Smells are totally different now to me. I don’t know it’s to do with the nerve they cut or something else, but my entire sense of smell is more…pronounced than it used to be. Things that used to smell good to me no longer do. Like the burgers. The smell of fired meat now just…turns my poor belly and leaves me feeling less than fresh. Can’t explain it. I’m more sensitive to the trash as well, forcing my husband to take it out nearly hourly instead of daily. I can’t stand the smell of sitting garbage anymore. Perfumes are okay still as are a few other foods, but I don’t know.

Sometimes it can be difficult for me to swallow food, even the light stuff like yogurt. I may wake up in the morning and be completely nauseous at the thought of food. I know that I need to eat and I try to, but my stomach is not hearing it. This morning, all I got down was Jell-O. That’s good…I guess.

 

Looking in the mirror today, I noticed something. Something different about my face. It’s thinner. I mean…the double chin I had going before the surgery is gone. My face is slimmer than it’s been in long time. I had noticed only in an offhand kind of way over the past few days, but today, I actually took the time to stop and stare. It was…startling to say the least. Makes me happy. My fingers too seem to be thinner than they were, my rings are spinning around like crazy. Things are changing.

weight: 228

 

It’s been a month since the surgery and things are changing both quickly and slowly. So, here are some new numbers

Weight: 220

Left arm: 14 1/2

Rt arm: 14 1/2

Thigh: 25

Waist: 44 1/4

Hips: 47

Bust: 42 ( I may have to get this done at Lane Bryant to be sure)

Neck: 15

Wrist: 7

Ankle: 9

My charm bracelet no longer stays on. If I leave my hand down by my side, it starts to slide off and then I have to catch. I’ll have to find a jeweler.

The rings are getting too big as well, which is slightly odd, but cool. Clothes are getting baggier, though I still can’t button them since the belly button is taking the longest to heal. Pain!

 

Today was the 6 week check up for me. Had to say, all was well. though, the belly button thing is irritating. It’s not healing as well as I’d like for it to. Since it’s still raw, no swimming. But…that’s not the best part.

I’m on solid food now. I was mostly before, but now…the gates are open. Not saying I’m going to go crazy now. I still have to take it slow, since we don’t know how my system will react to things. I’m very excited to be at this point. I feel that I’ve made it this far in the process. I never thought that I would, but…oh yeah, it feels good.

The clothes are getting to big now and by next month, I’m going to need new pants and probably a few other things. I just wanna know…why didn’t anyone tell me that the boobs were gonna go by the wayside? It’s sad to see them so little. Ah…I guess it will fit with the smaller body.

I gotta join a gym, I know that much. Can’t wait for that…really

 

Today, as I was taking my multivitamin, my B12 shot, my fiber supplement and all the other things I have to take now, it dawned on me how much shit I’m really taking. On top of that I have, I’m supposed to be eating at least 5 times a day, every three hours, with 15 grams of protein each meal. WTF? alongside that, I need to get in minimum of 40 oz. of water…actually it’s 64 oz., but we are shooting for 40 oz.

Why did no one tell me just how much crap I’d have to be doing? I knew it would be hard, but with a stomach only 2 oz. max at this point, where the hell am I going to put it all? I feel that I spend all day just trying to eat and drink.

We’ve figured that I’m going to have to get up at 6 or 7 to get in the amount of protein and food that is required. WTF? What does everyone do at freaking 6 in the morning?

I’m not saying that I can’t do this, cuz it’s really to late to say that. I just had no idea everyday was going to be one huge hunt for food. Like a bear going into hibernation or something.

Tomorrow…we join the gym so I can work off all this protein I’m supposed to be eating.

 

 

Working out

I finally cracked the plastic on this workout video that i bought a while back and I must say...it kicked my butt. Mostly because all i do is walking, but still...i felt the burn. Which video you ask? Why this one...

Say what you will about the girl, this video had me sweating. I have to admit, i didn't keep up through the second half, but I'm going to stick with it until i do. Then, I'll move on to her other DVDs. Yes, i bought all three of them and I plan to use them till they wear out. I also plan to keep walking on the off days. Gotta tone up.

I do have a confession to make though, one i never thought I'd make...I felt better after the workout. Not so much during, but def afterward. Damn it!

Flashback...

 Written on 02/17/2010 :

Sleep Study

I did the sleep study on 02/17/2010 and I have to tell you…it was nothing. I mean it really was. I went in, changed into my p.j.’s while watching some TV. Then, they stuck all these little electrodes on me and hooked me up to a brain reading machine. I’ve oversimplified, but you get the gist. The only downside was the fact they had to stick the damn things on my head. Now, my braids have this waxy, sticky stuff in that I can’t really get out. Every time I go to scratch my head, I come away with this buildup under my fingernails. Ewwww! Ah well, it was okay. I pretty much slept in one position the whole night, since they’d stuck the sensors to my legs and the tape kept pulling on the hair. (Note to self: shave next time.)

So the tech kept telling me about how she would have to wake me if I stopped breathing or anything like that and put a mask on me. I prayed on that, not wanting to be woken and told that I was going to have to wear a mask. It is not something I like to think about. So imagine my surprise when she woke me at five and said: you don’t qualify. Took me a looooonnnngggg moment to figure out what the hell she was talking about. Oh duh…no mask for me. Very happy about that. Still, I would like to know why I A.) snore, B.) drool, C.) wake with a dry, film covered mouth. Probably TMI, but oh well.

There will be a follow up appt next week where the Dr. and I will discuss the results and what is going on. Gotta say…I’m getting nervous/excited/nauseas about how fast this is going. I know that it’s what’s best for me at this point and that I’m finally taking control of my health. I just sometimes get a little…worried. I’m not sure about what, but there’s something nagging me as I hurdle along this path that I’ve stepped on.

Farmer's Market

Farmer's Market by dirogers featuring leather sandals

Short mini skirt, $23 / Bottega Veneta leather sandals / Gap handbag / Amrita Singh yellow gold jewelry / H&M bracelet bangle, $6.06 / Oasis sunglasses, $24

Gift Guide for the Beginner Cook

Gift Guide for the Beginner Cook by dirogers on Polyvore

KitchenAid Empire Red Hand Mixer / Le Creuset Signature Square Grill Pan & Press Set / Alessi La Cintura di Orione, Cook's knife / Nambé Gourmet Curvo Colander / Le Creuset Multi Bowl 1-7/10 qt / Cuisinart Smart Stick Hand Blender / Architec Gripper Gourmet Wood 10" X 15" Cutting Board / Rösle Silicone Egg Whisk / Williams-Sonoma Stainless-Steel Measuring Cups & Spoons / Pier One Silicone Tongs / Williams-Sonoma Oven Mitt / Kitchen Craft Colourworks red corkskrew, $13 / OXO Good Grips Wooden Spoon Set 3-pc

Tea Time

Tea Time by dirogers featuring a 18 karat gold necklace

Karen Millen peplum dress, $245 / Blue Nile 18 karat gold necklace / Waterford Lismore Footed Cake Plate / Infinity Band Teapot with Lid / Waterford Ballet Icing Pearl Creamer / Pearl Elegance Sugar Bowl / Waterford Crystal "Ballet Icing" Pearl Tea Cup / LSA Flower Table Arrangement Vase, $24 / St. Dalfour, Organic, Earl Grey Tea, 25 Tea Bags, 1.75 oz (50 g) -...

Flashback

2/08/2010
I had my pulmonary consult on 2/08/2010. It went…alright. The Dr. says that I have good oxygen intake, no obstructions in the lungs. I was feeling pretty good about myself. Then…he dropped the bomb on me. Okay, not a bomb. More like a 50 lb weight on my chest.

So here’s the deal: I have large tonsils and a large tongue. Always thought was good, but apparently not. He was showing me on this chart how when sleeping, these enlarge organs can press down cause snoring, which I do, and even close off the airways. After showing me this, he asked me a few questions and I don’t think the answers were good ones. He asked me if I wake frequently in the middle of the night and I said yes. My husband said that I don’t, but since he sleeps like the dead, how the hell would he know? There are times when I wake 3 or 4 times, to straighten my night gown, change the pillows, rearrange the covers, go the bathroom…whatever. Then he asked me if find myself tired during the day. I said yes. The question is loaded though, since the heart medication that I’m on makes me tired. He then asked me if I find myself nodding off behind the wheel, maybe almost falling asleep at a stop sign. Oh god, I had to say yes. There are times, when I’m driving and I feel that I could just…close my eyes and sleep. At times it’s the meds, but other times…I don’t know. Maybe I do have sleep apnea. It would have started to develop in the last year though. It’s not something I’ve had for a long time or I would have noticed all of this a LONG time ago.

Now…I have to do the sleep study. Oh yea! This should be a learning experience for me and anyone else that is going to be watching me. Now, I have to go buy some new pajamas so that I don’t show them something they don’t want to see.

Flashback

Written in 2010:
Tomorrow I go in for my pulmonary consult concerning bariatric surgery. I don’t know what to expect, so I’m a little nervous. Will it be like a gyno exam and I have to get undressed or worse? I have a feeling that as things start to move on and I get closer to that surgery date, I’m going to have to explain my decisions to people around me. I already get the impression from my friends that they think I’m doing it for the weight. It hurts to think that my friends feel I’m that shallow or even that vain I’m going to put my life at risk for this.

My family has a history of obesity related diseases. You name it, we have it. It’s even killed a few of us, my aunt on my father’s side being the latest victim. My mother was recently diagnosed with diabetes and my parents have dealt with high cholesterol and high blood pressure for the better part of 10 years. And at the age of 28, my doctor put me on blood pressure medicine. That really drove it home for me. How can I be 28 and have the same disease as my parents? How does that really work? On top of that, the doctor tells me that I’ll be a high risk pregnancy if/when I do get pregnant. That would be fun. Can’t wait to have to find an OB that would even touch me with a ten-foot pole once they found out my issues and challenges. Weeee!!!! Not only that, it’s harder at this weight to even get pregnant, so that’s a hurdle I would have to either jump over or climb under. Either way, a hurdle I don’t really want to face. I’ve done the diets my whole life. Nothing worked. Not that I really cared, because I loved who I was and am. Every time I looked in the mirror, I loved what I saw. Loved that I could eat what I wanted, when I wanted, without really having to worry about having to fit into that size six dress or wonder if some guy was only after my body or something stupid like that. Let me put this out there so there is no confusion:

I LOVE BEING A BIG GIRL! LOVE IT WITH NO RESERVATIONS. I FEEL SEXY WHEN I LOOK IN THE MIRROR AND WHEN I GET DRESSED. I’M ONE OF THE FEW BIG GIRLS WHO LOVE TO SHOP. LOVE IT LIKE IT WAS CAKE. DON’T PLAY!

Now that I’ve settled that, let’s move onto the meat of the situation. I may love being big, but my body is starting to say enough. It’s tired, run down and starting to fall apart. Sometimes…okay a lot of the times…my heart skips a few beats. Just…skips a beat and it feels like I’m having a heart attack. Other times, I can’t get up the stairs without taking a break at the landing, my heart racing so fast I think I’m going to puke. Do I exercise? I try but the meds my Dr. has me on have me feeling like I’m drunk 85% of the time and I can barely get up the energy to put on socks, much less tie my shoes and get out the door. My father told me in an offhand kind of way that his father had died of terminal high blood pressure, that they couldn’t get it down no matter what. The meds that would work for me can’t since I’m still able to have kids and I plan to…maybe. I just know that this is not what I signed up for when I wanted to be plus-sized. Its fun and I love it, but the side effects are killing me…literally. It may seem like a cope out, but since I’ve been heavy my whole life with no breaks or let ups…I’m ready for something different. I can’t keep going like this. It may sound like excuses but they aren’t. They are my reasons and I have thought long and hard on this. Weighed the pros and cons and weighed them again for good measure. This is not like when I got my breast reduction because my mother wanted it, without thinking of how it would affect me.

I have to take charge of my life and this is it. Will sacrifices have to be made? Yes…BIG ones that I may have a hard time doing. Decisions that I won’t be able to take back. Situations that I may not be ready to handle, but that’s what being an adult is about. Accepting that there are things in life you have to do to make things better. I’m hoping that I don’t lose my friends on the process and I won’t…if they are my friends. I just know that I don’t want to be 35 and having a heart attack. That would suck cuz I hate those hospital gowns. I really do.

The end

No, not the end of the blog, but an end to an era. Today, I filled out the paperwork to get my settlement from the ex’s account. Felt very final and will be even more so when it hits the bank account. I just feel very…distant from the whole thing. I even got a new SS card in the mail a few days ago and it hit me then that things were not the same anymore. Now, I just need a new driver’s lic and things will be…done I guess. I’m not sure how to even phrase it. I wanted to get away on a cruise, just a chance to take a break, but I’m not so sure right now or even later. I’d just like to be past this and on to the new part of my life. You know…the light at the end.

Flashbacks continued...

     I bet you didn't know that i had another blog? Well i did. It was a secret one that i posted most of the stuff that I went through before, during and even after surgery. I don't update that blog much, bout to cannibalize it and use for my business venture that i want to do, so i thought i would put some of the stuff i wrote about here, for you to read and maybe commiserate with. If I've posted it here before, sorry. For those of you who haven't read it or are new here, don't hesitate to read it and ask questions. I'm still just as open as i was and nothing (mostly) is off limits.

     We are going to be doing this for next few weeks, since i had a lot of stuff i never put here. It just won't be all at once since...that would be boring. (Flashbacks in Italics)


Written in 2009:
     As I said before, I’m on my way to getting bariatric surgery. My vital stats even gave me pause when I looked at them, so I know that I need to do something. It’s not so much about being skinny, as it is getting off the med, preventing diabetes, cystic kidneys and other diseases that afflict my family harsher as we go up in weight. So, after the initial seminar that is required, I had a consult with the surgeon who would be doing the procedure. Asked some basic questions about my diets attempts and the weight that I lost on each one and how much I gained back after each failed attempt. Just general stuff to make sure I knew what I was doing. Very nice man all in all. At the moment, his name escapes me, but when I find it again I’ll mention it. I know that it’s Dr. Halmi, so that’s something. After that, I needed to have a consultation with the registered dietician.

     That was very enlightening and saddening. So the diagnosis is this:

     I’m a FREAKIN snacker. It’s not that I didn’t know that already, preferring to grab things already made rather than take the time to make. The issue is the type of snacks that I grab. Anything really. I don’t discriminate with the food. Naughty me! *smacks hand!* It’s a habit that I’m going to have to break if I want this work. So, no snacking. Also, more water intake. I knew that but to have if it said that it’s going to make a difference in my weight loss and how successful it is, it hit home this time. More water!

     So, after that, I another appt with my regular doctor. Did not go well and I’m even more determined to make this work. He wants to up my blood pressure medicine. I’m not so sure about it since for the days before that appt, my BP was at 130/92 and the nurse took it at 136/95 and then he took it at 158/92 an 1 1/2 hours later. It might not help since he pumps the damn cuff until my arm tingles and I can’t feel a thing. It’s so tight it starts to roll back on itself. Hmmm…I’m just going to take my meds the same as always and keep track so I can see if it’s really that high or he’s just…whatever.

     My next appt is for a pulmonary consult. Have no idea what to expect and it freaks me out. They are talking about doing a sleep study after the consult if it calls for one and I sincerely hope not. I don’t think I have sleep apnea, but who knows. My husband sleeps like the dead so he wouldn’t know. The next week is my pysch exam. That’s should be REALLY fun. Not sure what to expect from that either, so it’s gonna be fun. I have like three pages to fill out before I get there and I need to get on it. So many questions!!!

     During all this, I have classes to attend and homework to do for all of them. I think I’m gonna be busy.