Weird…

I like paper. No…I’m slightly obssessed with paper. I don’t know quite where it comes from, but at times, I find myself thinking about buying out the whole stationary section of any store and just rolling around in all the pretty paper. And it’s not just pretty paper…lined paper makes me smile as well.

Where is this going?

Well…I need to start making plans for this transition in my life. I need to write it all down and figure out where I’m going. I know I have a laptop…and a tablet…and a smart phone…but none of those equals the joy of pulling out a pen and putting it to paper. You just can’t do things on a computer that you can on a paper. and who the hell wants to buy an app when I can get a pretty notebook and do the same? Not me. Just thinking about getting a new notepad right now is making me happy. Lord…am I sad or what?

No matter…I will get the paper I desire and start to chisel away at the is oppressive sense of being bogged down. I have to get a grip and develop a plan.

Starting anew

Moving home is hard…harder than a lot of things people think are hard. It’s even harder when you’ve been on your own for a while and have a set way of doing things. Things like coming and going as you please; eating what you want; peeing with the door open. You know, the simple things.

As this divorce winds down and comes to a close, I’m packing up and getting ready to go home. I will be moving back in with my parents for a little while, at least until I figure out what I’m going to do. I want to be a chef, but there is a fear there that I’m not going to make it. I try to keep it down, but with one failed relationship under my belt and the inability to take of myself without asking my parents for financial assistance, it’s kinda easy to let the fear win. Maybe that’s a good reason to go home for a bit…to let the fear win while I rebuild my reserves and come to grips with what is happening in my life. My friends would like for me to stay here and under normal circumstances…I’d think about it. I really would. But too many things are hitting me at once and I just don’t have the inner strength right now to keep them from knocking me down. I’m not scared to admit it. I’ve learned a lot in the past few months and one of them is that it’s okay to not be strong all the time.

I have been missing my dr.’s appt’s as late and that is very bad of me. I’m sure Dr. Snyder is going to kill me when I finally make it back it, but at least I’ll be back in. While there, I’ll have to find a dr. to take his place when I get to NC. One thing I hate is switching dr.’s. Ughhhh…

Beginnings…

There is some good news in all this. I’m going to culinary school. I’ve applied to Johnson and wales and got accepted. Very happy day for me when I got the phone call. I’m hoping for financial aid, but I don’t know how much I’ll actually get since I’ll have to use my ex’s financial information. Maybe this year, I’ll go to H&R block. *snicker* Nah…turbo tax here I come.

I’m going to be a chef and part of my plan is to come up with bariatric friendly recipes. At times, it’s a pain in the ass to cook, to find recipes that work for each stage and are still…filling. I might even start a restaurant, call it “half portions” I can see it now…

Plans,,, they are what keep you going sometimes.

Divorce…

Is such and ugly word. It just sounds bad, right? Dissolution of marriage is just as bad and I can’t figure out who came up with it. How did the dissolution of something take the sting out what it is?

Dissolution…

1.the act or process of resolving or dissolving into parts or elements.

2.the resulting state.

3.the undoing or breaking of a bond, tie, union, partnership, etc.

4.the breaking up of an assembly or organization; dismissal; dispersal.

5.Government . an order issued by the head of a state terminating a parliament and necessitating a new election.

Each definition just makes me cringe and my eyes twitch. But how do you get past it? How do you make it something better, when it isn’t A part of your life is ending and all you can is hold some of the pieces together and hope for the best. I know there are books out there and support groups, but that’s not what this is. It’s a really hard look at the ending of a relationship and wondering how you are supposed to make it better. How do you make it so it sounds less hostile, less like a failure or a destruction of something that you once held so close to your heart? Is there a way?

Timing…

I missed an appointment with Dr. Snyder a few months ago. It’s was a yearly checkup I think, but still a big deal. I’m not sure why I missed it. Other than the whole divorce thing…and not having a car at the time…and possible weight gain.

Gasp…weight gain you say! say it ain’t so.

Yes…I think I’ve gained weight. Not enough to freak out about, but enough that I know I’m having issues. I’m still within my target weight goal (I think) but it’s enough for me to take stock of my life and realize I’m not taking care of myself. I’m not staying on schedule, I’m not watching my intake, which is still low. Good news is that I’m slowly getting back on track, watching the intake and trying to maintain a schedule. I’m not going to lie, once you fall off…it’s a bitch to get back on. You keep missing the step, falling on your face and eating dirt. But, if you want it bad enough, you keep chasing the bus, yelling at it to at least slow down so you can catch a hand rail.

Did I mention that I’ve also missed all the support group meetings as well? Those really hit me on how much I miss them. I miss the people and having someone else to talk to. A chance to get out of my head and be free for an hour. I need to start that again. Talking to people might help me over this hump or slump or whatever it is.

First step is to get in to see Dr. Snyder. I may be in the middle of a mess, but if I don’t take care of me, who will?

Long Time

I know, I haven't been here in a while. A lot has been going on and it’s taken me till now to deal with it enough that I can put it in a blog, let it out so others can relate to what has been going on.

Let’s start with the heavy and go from there.

I’m in the middle of a divorce. Or maybe it’s the end. I can’t really tell anymore. All I know is that my 10 year relationship has imploded and I’m still picking up the pieces. A lot of people will tell me that they are sorry to hear that, that their heart goes out to them, but I’m not in the mood. I just want people to nod and look away. I’m not able to handle the pity or the sorrow or even the despair that some people express at the ending of my marriage. I may never be able to and that’s how I handle things. Just press on until the road runs out. Productive yes…emotionally healthy…not so much.

With that out there, I’m going to take this blog in a new direction. We are still going to talk about bariatric surgery and recipes, but I’m also going to get personal, talk about dreams,wants needs. I’ll probably post some stuff that I’m writing and even some deep thoughts that may make you blush a bit. Sorry about that, but it’s time I condensed my thoughts and words to one place. I have about three other blogs and it’s too hard, too much to keep up with keeping it all separate.

One place…one me. That’s the new motto.

Not everything that glitters…

There has been a development in my journey and I feel that I need to share it with you. Its not meant to scare or discourage anyone from taking the path that this blog talks about. It’s meant more as a reminder that just because you lose the weight does not mean you are out of the woods.

So since about Nov or so, I’ve been getting very high readings on the bp. I mean…pre-surgery readings. I thought I was done with this crap, but it seems that I’m not. the final clincher came when I went to the OB/GYN and got another high reading. So, with a heavy heart, I went in to see my PCP. Still more sad face since it was confirmed, I had high blood pressure. With that edict, I am back on blood pressure meds. It’s not something that I planned on, which is why I’m upset. I’d been sure that the weight loss would kind just…erase it all and I would be good as new.

Just goes to show…being thin is not the same as being healthy.