Changes

So not only is divorce emotionally draining, it’s also time consuming. More than just the court dates and stuff, but also with all the freakin name changes. Do you know how much stuff your name is actually on these days? It’s on EVERYTHING! Ugh and sometimes it’s easy to change things and other times…a pain in the butt. At least www.att.com was easy. I could have even gone online and done it if I’d known. Ah well…at least it’s done. I’m going to to have to get a new DL now and new ss card…*sigh*

Next time, I’m keeping my name. (but I don’t see it in the cards for me anymore)

I think…

      I want to run away. I’ve been unsettled for a while, wanting to stay but needing to go. Or is needing to stay but wanting to go? I can’t tell right now. The unhappiness that I feel is stifling, almost to the point of choking. I should go home, let my parents care for me and just…veg. I have no kids, no real responsibilities that keep me from doing that. But yet, I still feel the need to keep pressing on, ignore the hurt and pretend that I’m okay with everything that’s happened to me. It’s the way I always do things. But I have to be honest, I’m tired of doing it the old way. The burden of doing it is starting to get to me.

      I’m not sure I’m ready to leave, but staying here is close to being painful. I want…plain and simple I want. I want more than I had and more than I have and that…can cause some problems.

Who the hell am I kidding…I don’t know what I want.

Weird…

I like paper. No…I’m slightly obssessed with paper. I don’t know quite where it comes from, but at times, I find myself thinking about buying out the whole stationary section of any store and just rolling around in all the pretty paper. And it’s not just pretty paper…lined paper makes me smile as well.

Where is this going?

Well…I need to start making plans for this transition in my life. I need to write it all down and figure out where I’m going. I know I have a laptop…and a tablet…and a smart phone…but none of those equals the joy of pulling out a pen and putting it to paper. You just can’t do things on a computer that you can on a paper. and who the hell wants to buy an app when I can get a pretty notebook and do the same? Not me. Just thinking about getting a new notepad right now is making me happy. Lord…am I sad or what?

No matter…I will get the paper I desire and start to chisel away at the is oppressive sense of being bogged down. I have to get a grip and develop a plan.

Divorce…

Is such and ugly word. It just sounds bad, right? Dissolution of marriage is just as bad and I can’t figure out who came up with it. How did the dissolution of something take the sting out what it is?

Dissolution…

1.the act or process of resolving or dissolving into parts or elements.

2.the resulting state.

3.the undoing or breaking of a bond, tie, union, partnership, etc.

4.the breaking up of an assembly or organization; dismissal; dispersal.

5.Government . an order issued by the head of a state terminating a parliament and necessitating a new election.

Each definition just makes me cringe and my eyes twitch. But how do you get past it? How do you make it something better, when it isn’t A part of your life is ending and all you can is hold some of the pieces together and hope for the best. I know there are books out there and support groups, but that’s not what this is. It’s a really hard look at the ending of a relationship and wondering how you are supposed to make it better. How do you make it so it sounds less hostile, less like a failure or a destruction of something that you once held so close to your heart? Is there a way?